[INFP] Advice about INFP male/eyegazing

[angell_m]

Angell_ M - Could you tell me what you mean by unnatural or abnormal (the PG13 version please)?

I don't mean anything by it, it's what the dictionary calls it.

Perverted | Define Perverted at Dictionary.com

 

[Onceajoan]

I don't mean anything by it, it's what the dictionary calls it.

Perverted | Define Perverted at Dictionary.com

Oh. I'm sorry. I'm not good with sticking with dictionary definitions, I'm afraid. BTW: I like your new picture. Is that you or James Dean?

I dont get the reference.

That's so cool! Like the Avitar likeness

Well, for me it is a combination of "waiting for the right one" and social awkwardness. Even if I would be interested in having sex by "settling for less" by taking not necessarily the "right one" woman, I don't know if I would be able to get into a relationship to another woman / girl Social awkwardness... it is not actually so that there was never a girl interested in me, but first I wasn't and second even if I was I would probably mess it up anyway.

Thanks for sharing your experience. This is actually helpful to me because I can see how an INFP male could experience reservations about entering into an intimate relationship. Virgin, as a category, is probably not a fair way to describe a large number of INFPs. How about, younger INFP males are more reluctant than other types to enter into intimate relationships because of their idealism? Does that pretty much capture it or is there something else? Fear?

 

[SecondBest]

Oh. I'm sorry. I'm not good with sticking with dictionary definitions, I'm afraid. BTW: I like your new picture. Is that you or James Dean?

I thought it was the love child of James Dean and Colin Farrell. Confirmation?

 

[angell_m]

it's me...

 

[Onceajoan]

it's me...

Wow! Nice picture. I'm not looking or anything... but you're definitely easy on the eyes.

_____________________________________________

Second Best: Colin Farrell. LOL. I actually have a thing for him.

 

[JivinJeffJones]

Still haven't kissed him yet?

 

[Onceajoan]

Still haven't kissed him yet?

We'll see on Monday...

No pressure or anything. Right?

____________________________

To everyone who posted,

Thanks for the great advice. I've learned far more than I thought I would about INFPs in general. No matter how the relationship with the INFP turns out, I'll be grateful to you all. I'm pretty committed to be in a relationship with an NF this time around. INFP would be great. But they're awful scarce.
That's why I'll be bummed if this one doesn't work out. But I've already accepted this as a real possibility.

 

[Arkhangelsk]

Still, I like to figure this one out. Maybe I'll create a new thread on the topic. INFPs Virgins or Perverts: You Decide!

I'm both, really. Day-to-day, I think of things in rather virginal and innocent ways. I often fantasize more about eyegazes than sex, and if there's a girl I'm really attracted to I only minimally sexualize her. Now, that said, when the passion does grip me, I'll become a very aggressive, eager, perverted, and really quite shameless lover. So I'd call myself an innocent mind with a carnal heart.

I do fit that INFP stereotype in that I lost my virginity relatively late, in fact only about two months ago. The two months since have been...active, however.

 

[Nameless Hero]

As a fellow with an indefinite type (I test as INTP, but I seem to be a feeling type dominated by N(e) which would mean ENFP, however I tend to be somewhat reserved like the INFP) I must toss a few comments here.

When I am in a INFP mood - which is perhaps all the time - I am constantly struggling with my internal values. I am a deeply sensual and even lustful man. But at the same time, I want to cherish and truly love. I abhor promiscuity.

I ador the female form. Women are breathtaking. But I am a romantic. I avoid expressing this passion. I must keep it in check. But nonetheless the sensuality is present.

What happens is this. I am either on or off with women. There is no inbetween. But I must repress it, because it is too intense. It slips out with little looks. My smoldering passions sneak out - I cannot keep them locked up always. So I think that the "little look" is real. An INFP has real passions. They are quite pure and powerful.

BE ready for some intensity when he decides. He must decide that he is good enough for you.

 

[AgentF]

Have any of you INFPs (or other NFs) ever had an INSTENSE eye gazing experience? What was it like? Was the fact that it was intense, significant to you?

Do you think that if the eye gazing was intense for one, it was also significant for the other?

What does eyegazing mean to you (INFPs)? Does it signify love, attraction, appreciation, longing? What is its specific meaning?

have i had intense eye gazing experiences? yes, with every man i've seriously dated. 100% Ns it turns out. the Es (either me or the guy, if an E) initiated intense direct eye contact-type communication. Is were noticeably shy about eye contact in the beginning. in the end, non-verbal communication was an extremely important component of our dynamic. i like it that way.

mutuality? impossible to determine without being a party to your situation, but i'd consider the conversation and/or body language pertaining to each instance. i actively cultivate meaningful eye contact when i care about someone and am at my most vulnerable when i use it. if we have barriers of any kind (e.g., still getting to know each other, had an argument, etc.), my body language is distant but my eyes are communicative. if we are very close (e.g., in love) then i am usually nearby or touching him/her in some familiar way. understanding NF body language + eye contact is actually a powerful arrow to have in your quiver.

what did it mean to me? love, appreciation, longing, hurt, confusion. if i seek out someone's eye contact and hold it, i am communicating whatever is on my mind. as an ENF, i'm generally happy to discuss it unless i feel threatened or that it's otherwise unwise to do so.

 

[Adasta]

INFPs are totally crafty and far more emotionally brash than people would have you think. Holding a (reciprocated) gaze with a girl is not only hot, but will almost certainly be pursued. Unless it's like, y'know, at an airport or something.

I admire beauty in all forms and I seek it out at all times. Often, I simply gaze at the most beautiful "thing" in a room; for example, in a train carriage that could be a person, a magazine I'm reading, or the scenery outside the window. Beautiful women are no exception and I often find myself just gazing at them rapturously. If I were single, and there was a response to the gaze, I would tend to think "game on" in a somewhat Byronic sense, if you will: romantic folly and all that.

 

[SpankyMcFly]

Next time you feel the "moment" is right do this:

Stare back for a few moments, smile (slightly), then lean in just a little and say "Can I kiss you?" No answer = yes.

Say and do all this without breaking eye contact for bonus points. (except during the kiss)

As the kiss is finishing be sure to linger, i.e. like someone zapped you with a freeze gun mid kiss.

If you liked the kiss make sure to let him know this, but in an understated manner, something simple will do "That was nice" followed by a smile. Sincerity is key here.

Proceed to act like nothing happened and segway back into conversation with something like "Now where were we?" or "What were we talking about again?"

The last step is important because his mind will be blown away (hopefully) and all kinds of thoughts & emotions will be racing through his mind. Give him a minute to digest just wth happened.

 

[Adasta]

Stare back for a few moments, smile (slightly), then lean in just a little and say "Can I kiss you?" No answer = yes.

I always thought this was merely a staple of exported American teen-movies - do people actually say this!

I say just plant one on him. A couple of girls have initiated kisses before and I just went along with it. Who'd turn down a kiss? The rest of the advice sounds good, though. It's rather disorienting to be kissed by a girl - it bucks the trend...

 

[hokie912]

This thread has been fascinating to read, especially as an INFJ currently dating an INFP. My INFP was/is extremely socially inhibited. I had such a hard time in the beginning with self-doubt and working out how to tell him in a way that was obvious enough not to be misinterpreted, but subtle enough so as not to be crushing or friendship-ending if it wasn't reciprocated. In retrospect it's silly, because he was totally into me and deep down I'm pretty certain I knew that, but I think if I hadn't made a move, he would've convinced himself that I wasn't interested. I was fortunate enough to be presented with a deadline of sorts (I was moving away from a city), so in a now-or-never mode, I sent him an email about how much I loved being with him and how disappointed I was to be moving. This did the trick, as what I received back was a very intensely felt message describing how he felt about me. We've been very happily together for about six months, although the distance can be awful.

Anyway, OP, you seem to be pretty self-confident and assertive, so if you're comfortable kissing him, that's probably your best bet. If not, there are other ways to feel it out more. I needed that distance and ability to process and write out my feelings before expressing them in person. But that's just me being more comfortable with written expression in general - it gives you both time to think about it before getting into a situation where the pressure is really on.

To bring it back to topic, my INFP does the eye gaze, too. Sometimes in the beginning it made me slightly uncomfortable because that much eye contact is intense, but now that I know him well enough, I see that it's his way of expressing that he adores me. Next time it happens, maybe try asking him, "What are you thinking?" Sometimes the things you get in response will be as breathtaking as the eye contact.

 

[Epiphany]

Male INFP's should be fitted with visors to deflect our gaze from harming innocent bystanders.

 

[Onceajoan]

Hahahaha! Sorry, but true, Mask.

 

[Onceajoan]

I had such a hard time in the beginning with self-doubt and working out how to tell him in a way that was obvious enough not to be misinterpreted, but subtle enough so as not to be crushing or friendship-ending if it wasn't reciprocated.

Yeah. I understand. UPDATE: I have recently spilled the beans to my INFP - not in person, but via email because the feelings are just too intense. I didn't hold back anything. At this point I don't care. I've been holding these feelings for too long. This has been going on for almost 2 years (I joke to myself, given this amount of time, we could have dated, had sex, married and had a child! This is too much!)

In retrospect it's silly, because he was totally into me and deep down I'm pretty certain I knew that

Same with me. Although he hasn't said it directly, I know he feels that same about me. He responded positively to my email even though I thought he might freak because I came across too strong. When I saw him next he was so very, very sweet to me that it moved me. He spoke to me in a soft voice almost as if he was speaking to a child - so loving (my heart melted). He also opened up about some of his feelings of insecurity about our relationship. This totally blew me away since I've never heard a man speak about his emotions like that before - telling me he was hurt by something I did and that he felt anxious when he felt I didn't want to see him. I was like wow, Wow, WOW! I've never, ever heard anything like that before. It was a special moment for me. I feel even closer to him then ever.

but I think if I hadn't made a move, he would've convinced himself that I wasn't interested.

I'd say, based on my experience with this INFP, there can be a lot of denial or self doubt on the part of INFPs regarding the interest of another party - even if it's extremely obvious. It's almost as if you'd really have to take your clothes off in front of them for them to take active notice. I feel like I've been too damn obvious. Not intentionally - but just bitten by the "love bug". I feel like I've made a complete fool of myself with all the flirting, complementing, eyelash batting, innuendo, laughing at things that aren't remotely funny.... His ability to remain unflappable is incredible. But I see through the mask...MWWWWAAAHHHHH! Anyone who is interested in actively pursuing an INFP must be extremely persistent and patient, IMO.

I was fortunate enough to be presented with a deadline of sorts (I was moving away from a city), so in a now-or-never mode, I sent him an email about how much I loved being with him and how disappointed I was to be moving. This did the trick, as what I received back was a very intensely felt message describing how he felt about me. We've been very happily together for about six months, although the distance can be awful.

I wish I had that kind of deadline. That's funny about the email... since I used the same approach. I think it's a good idea when dealing with intense emotions. He actually confronted me about my feelings for him out of the blue. I didn't feel it was something I could answer "on the spot" since I felt it required some thinking in order to give a response that would really convey my feelings. I could have tried to come up with something on the fly, like, I like being with you, you're a kind person, I'm happy when I'm with you... But none of that would have done justice. Maybe infps would feel the same way when put under the gun.

Anyway, OP, you seem to be pretty self-confident and assertive, so if you're comfortable kissing him, that's probably your best bet. If not, there are other ways to feel it out more. I needed that distance and ability to process and write out my feelings before expressing them in person. But that's just me being more comfortable with written expression in general - it gives you both time to think about it before getting into a situation where the pressure is really on.

I totally agree with this statement. In my situation, the two of us are very intense. Most of what we communicate to each other is nonverbal. Actually articulating our feelings is going out on a limb. Since I think of us both being thoughtful individuals, it doesn't seem like it would be appropriate for us to just blurt something out. We're both self conscious (or aware) of the other's possible response or reaction. Since I know that he's sensitive (and I can be blunt), I try to be careful what I said so I don't hurt him or make him pull away.

To bring it back to topic, my INFP does the eye gaze, too. Sometimes in the beginning it made me slightly uncomfortable because that much eye contact is intense, but now that I know him well enough, I see that it's his way of expressing that he adores me. Next time it happens, maybe try asking him, "What are you thinking?" Sometimes the things you get in response will be as breathtaking as the eye contact.

Thanks for the suggestion. "What are you thinking?" is a good idea. I appreciate your post. Good luck in your relationship.

 

[jtanSis1]

Ah the empathic eye gaze, one of our hidden talents. We do this to actually feel or read a persons soul, their emotional self, for a deeper connection than just the physical. It can be overwhelming to others to have their soul laid bare with no defences of the body to protect you, but their is nothing to fear.

 

[tkae.]

Male INFP's should be fitted with visors to deflect our gaze from harming innocent bystanders.

Bahahah, this is so true