[INTP] INTP men and your approach to sex

[Lori]

For any INTP men, I was wondering your approach to sex? I am a INTJ woman dating an amazing INTP man. By his awkward (yet adorable) sort of flirting, I can tell he is interested in me in that way, however seems shy and almost embarrassed to initiate it. I have reciprocated his flirtations. With age does this get any easier? He is 51 and was previously married. How can I make him feel more comfortable, though I do not want him to feel pressured?

 

[Mr. Sherlock Holmes]

I don't approach sex. I run from it and hide in the corner.

Jokes. But I've never had sex and I am very shy about it. I was afraid of the idea for some reason and would go silent whenever a sexual or even romantic topic was mentioned until I was about 15. I'm still a bit sex/love-shy. But I'm only 17, so what do I know?

 

[Trentham]

Many INTPs don't feel comfortable with taking risks, especially risks of the interpersonal variety, until they've processed enough information about the situation to feel confident that the odds of success are in their favor. Initiation of a sexual relationship carries with it the risk of rejection, and sexual rejection is something a lot of INTP men in particular take personally (in fact there's a long thread on that very subject somewhere around here).

I'm not sure it gets easier with age, tbh. More likely it gets easier with individual comfort level/sense of trust.

 

[cafe]

Not an INTP man, but I have some experience with one.

Probably best to take some initiative if you want something to happen. Nice thing about them is they usually aren't all uptight about gender roles and won't mind a bit.

 

[ReflecTcelfeR]

I love joking about sex. Usually when it comes down to it though, true conversations that head into the vicinity of sex/love I freeze and let the other take the first move. Something about it just makes me think that if they want me they'll ask for me to do it. I'm 19 by the way.

 

[TacEight]

I believe that the biggest concern INTP men have is that they misunderstand/misread the others' signs or hints. It'd definitely be to your advantage to initiate over waiting for him to, as he may not initiate at all until he believes he has a) ensured 100% that you want it, and b) has talked with you enough to know what you'd like in bed. Otherwise he may feel too awkward and afraid that you would not enjoy the experience.

Solution? Take him down your own way. Initiate, and him you enjoyed it afterward. Later you can critique, but the first time... let it be a good experience. Besides, I can only assume my fellow INTPs are just as good as I am...

 

[Stevo]

I don't approach sex. Sex usually approaches me.

 

[ReflecTcelfeR]

I believe that the biggest concern INTP men have is that they misunderstand/misread the others' signs or hints.

This is exactly it. I can see the signs, but the error of misreading them is always there looming over.

 

[INTPness]

INTP approach to........what?

 

[ReflecTcelfeR]

Teh sechz.

 

[Lori]

I don't approach sex. I run from it and hide in the corner.

Jokes. But I've never had sex and I am very shy about it. I was afraid of the idea for some reason and would go silent whenever a sexual or even romantic topic was mentioned until I was about 15. I'm still a bit sex/love-shy. But I'm only 17, so what do I know?

I was the same way when I was your age very shy about sex and love. I did not lose my virginity until I was 18 and many of my peers had begin having sex eariler. (Though since I was a girl likely there were more opportunities than a guy would.) I am wondering if others INT's had similar experiences of starting to have sex at a later age than other types?

 

[Neutralpov]

Teh sechz.

haha moar please.

Read the how to seduce an INTP thread. I laughed so hard and came to the conclusion you either leave a trail of cookies, debate sex techniques and tell them to prove it, or just get in there and take the lead. Dated an INTP early this year Jan-Feb, and I just told him finally after hanging out and dates I was going to put in my fabulous new two piece and get in his hottub ;-) haha that was priceless! He freaked internally and did the whole you better not play with me look - for real I could tell he was dead serious about it. But I just reassured him I had decided on dating and am trustworthy. The freakout was a surprise though after hangout and seeing his attraction. yesh INTPs you do have to just go get em sometimes or they will drive relationships to the oblivion of friend-zone.

So uhhh... my advice go get a two-piece and give a sweet grin (if you have actually fully decided on this one for a long term commitment). His reaction-I was told I could get any job I want if I interviewed in it! haha I was interviewing at the time and that was his way of complimenting.

Oh and starting sex at a later age isn't just INT. I did but because I just didn't want to be used and it takes real love/monogamy for me to want it and in high school I was homecoming, popular but I wanted a more solid guy than the football player who took me to the dance...it was expected but not deep enough to me. Personal values are the reason and just self-worth of not wanting to be devalued. I am also an Enneagram 1 which is odd for an ENFJ.

 

[Lori]

Many INTPs don't feel comfortable with taking risks, especially risks of the interpersonal variety, until they've processed enough information about the situation to feel confident that the odds of success are in their favor. Initiation of a sexual relationship carries with it the risk of rejection, and sexual rejection is something a lot of INTP men in particular take personally (in fact there's a long thread on that very subject somewhere around here).

I'm not sure it gets easier with age, tbh. More likely it gets easier with individual comfort level/sense of trust.

This makes alot of sense. I would assume that the vast majority of men hold a similar view, though I suspect the INTP man would be especially be concerned with the possiblity of failure and lack of self confidence this area. So it makes perfect sense the need to achieve a sense of competency in this area in particular. I can completely relate to the trust aspect because it took me a long time to get to the point of building enough trust to want to be intimate with him. As an INTJ trust is very important and often takes a long time to build. For other INT's what is your idea of trust?

 

[Lori]

Not an INTP man, but I have some experience with one.

Probably best to take some initiative if you want something to happen. Nice thing about them is they usually aren't all uptight about gender roles and won't mind a bit.

Thanks Cafe, good point! Since I am judging, I have a habit of taking the initiative and am always concerned about him feeling controlled, since this is something these men seem to particularly dislike. Is this situation different? Also, I am glad you brought up gender roles. What do other INTP's think about gender roles?

 

[Lori]

I believe that the biggest concern INTP men have is that they misunderstand/misread the others' signs or hints. It'd definitely be to your advantage to initiate over waiting for him to, as he may not initiate at all until he believes he has a) ensured 100% that you want it, and b) has talked with you enough to know what you'd like in bed. Otherwise he may feel too awkward and afraid that you would not enjoy the experience.

Solution? Take him down your own way. Initiate, and him you enjoyed it afterward. Later you can critique, but the first time... let it be a good experience. Besides, I can only assume my fellow INTPs are just as good as I am...

TacEight, thanks for the insight. I can relate to misreading cues and I have to be sometimes slammed over the head with it (several times infact) to get the hint. Oh and I am thinking INTP men are probably better than they give themselves credit for in this area.

 

[TacEight]

Oh and I am thinking INTP men are probably better than they give themselves credit for in this area.

Yah, I've noticed a lot of us don't seem to realize how our Ne mind can replace Se enough to be very... thoroughly and creatively fulfilling, shall we say

 

[metasapiens]

Most INTPs take pride in being wary of their feelings. They see the hints, they know the stupid code, but they wait for a rational proof. They just pretend to be innocent.

 

[cafe]

Thanks Cafe, good point! Since I am judging, I have a habit of taking the initiative and am always concerned about him feeling controlled, since this is something these men seem to particularly dislike. Is this situation different? Also, I am glad you brought up gender roles. What do other INTP's think about gender roles?

The situation probably is different from most unless the INTP only wants a platonic friendship or becoming physically involved would violate a principle in some way. Because, INTP or not, it's still a man and with most men sex is always ftw.

Competence is very important to them. Sex is no exception (w00t!). Since sex is so subjective, the only measure of their competence is whether or not you're being pleased -- so some gentle guidance and (especially positive) feedback seems to be generally well-received.

 

[TacEight]

What do other INTP's think about gender roles?

They should be abolished. Unfortunately, it's not as simple as waving a magic wand, or like my ex wife did, changing your name to "James" and referring to all men and women as "ze" and "zir" instead of "he/she," "her/him." Still, my thoughts are gender roles "should" play no part in life, and that's the way I try to maintain my own perspective on life. Only reason I don't classify myself as "bi" is 'cause I have a TON of attraction toward "teh ladies," and absolutely zilch toward males. Probably from the standard social conditioning I've undergone through living in the US.

 

[Cypocalypse]

INTPs get sex?