Curious about ISFJ and ISTP relationship

[ThinkerBelle]

Hello everyone. Im new to this forum and just recently discovered my myers briggs personality type. I tried to search for threads or articles about ISFJ and ISTP relationship. I am in a relationship where communication is almost impossible with my bf, we have constant fights and i find it so hard to understand him. I have gone as far as reading books on relationships just to help me understand him and men in general. To a point its just so exhausting that I feel its just not fair that I exhaust all these efforts just to make the relationship work. Im in love with his man and really do wish to spend my life with him. We have been dating for almost 2 years now. I took two tests online and showed im an ISFJ in both tests, this type describes me fairly accurately. I then asked my Bf to take the same test and he's an ISTP. I read that one characteristic of this type is their "lack of long term commitment".

I still am not that familiar with the different personality types, but would like to gain some insights on this combination. Will an ISTP and ISFJ relationship work out?

Please help.

 

[tinker683]

Hello everyone. Im new to this forum and just recently discovered my myers briggs personality type. I tried to search for threads or articles about ISFJ and ISTP relationship. I am in a relationship where communication is almost impossible with my bf, we have constant fights and i find it so hard to understand him. I have gone as far as reading books on relationships just to help me understand him and men in general. To a point its just so exhausting that I feel its just not fair that I exhaust all these efforts just to make the relationship work. Im in love with his man and really do wish to spend my life with him. We have been dating for almost 2 years now. I took two tests online and showed im an ISFJ in both tests, this type describes me fairly accurately. I then asked my Bf to take the same test and he's an ISTP. I read that one characteristic of this type is their "lack of long term commitment".

I still am not that familiar with the different personality types, but would like to gain some insights on this combination. Will an ISTP and ISFJ relationship work out?

Please help.

Generally speaking, as an ISFJ, I think ISTP's and ISFJs could work very well. I think our functions compliment each other well.

As for your situation though, I think it has less to go with typology and more to do with issues between the two of you individually. Reading your post, I'm seeing communications issues, concerns of commitment, and possible resentment that sounds like it's been brewing for a while. Ultimately, you need to be talking to him about your issues as you and he are the only ones who can solve this.

 

[great_bay]

My parents are ISFJ's and ISTP's couple and been together for twenty-four years. I even read a graphic novel about these two pairing which lasted for decades. What do you need help on? I must imagine that ISTP's doesn't listen to anything ISFJ's tell him to do.

 

[ThinkerBelle]

Generally speaking, as an ISFJ, I think ISTP's and ISFJs could work very well. I think our functions compliment each other well.

As for your situation though, I think it has less to go with typology and more to do with issues between the two of you individually. Reading your post, I'm seeing communications issues, concerns of commitment, and possible resentment that sounds like it's been brewing for a while. Ultimately, you need to be talking to him about your issues as you and he are the only ones who can solve this.

You're right, because of lack of communication from his side and simply refusing to sit down with me and talk and lay down our issues, I feel we have not resolved all of them completely. I find it really hard to make him listen.

I read about his personality type and wonder if this really has something to do with our lack of communication?

 

[ThinkerBelle]

He doesn't listen. Do you mind giving an idea about the dynamics of this combination as a long term couple?

 

[great_bay]

He doesn't listen. Do you mind giving an idea about the dynamics of this combination as a long term couple?

This is common in benefit relations. ISFJ's listens to everything ISTP's tell them to do. However, ISTP doesn't do the same.

These relations are asymmetrical. One partner, called the Benefactor, is always in a more favourable position in respect to the other partner who is known as Beneficiary.

The Beneficiary thinks of the Benefactor as an interesting and meaningful person, usually over-evaluating them in the beginning. The Beneficiary can be impressed and delighted by their partner's behaviour, manners, thoughts and their ability to easily deal with things that the Beneficiary conceives as complicated. When partners are together, the Beneficiary involuntarily starts to ingratiate themselves with the Benefactor, trying to please them without any obvious reason. In the worst cases this starts from little things and then becomes bigger until the Beneficiary realises the foolishness of their situation.

The Beneficiary can see the weakness of the Benefactor, wishing to help their partner to strengthen themselves. Because the strongest point of the Beneficiary is the weak and unconscious point of the Benefactor, the Beneficiary is convinced that they are able to help. However, when the Beneficiary tries to help, the Benefactor usually refuses the help without any good explanation. The Beneficiary usually listens to every word the Benefactor says but there is no feedback, the Benefactor can not hear the Beneficiary. This may be sometimes unpleasant and even irritating for the Beneficiary.

The Benefactor accepts the Beneficiary as somebody who is lower in rank or social position and often undervalues them in the beginning. The reason for this is that the Benefactor feels that the Beneficiary needs something from them, that special something that only the Benefactor can provide. Therefore the Benefactor naturally finds themselves in an advanced position in respect to the Beneficiary, but are at the same time willing to encourage and take care of the Beneficiary.

Relations of Benefit may appear even and conflict free. Usually it is the Benefactor who initiates the contact. Partners can even feel some kind of spiritual connection between them. However, relations last only as long as the Benefactor has something to give and the Beneficiary has need of it. If this major condition is no longer fulfilled, relations enter quite an unpleasant stage of their development. The Beneficiary may begin ignoring the Benefactor completely or they may start to accentuate too many of the Benefactors inability, provoking arguments and quarrels. Finally, when the Benefactor is in a superior position to the Beneficiary, it can work quite well, but not when it is the other way round!

 

[ThinkerBelle]

Generally speaking, as an ISFJ, I think ISTP's and ISFJs could work very well. I think our functions compliment each other well.

As for your situation though, I think it has less to go with typology and more to do with issues between the two of you individually. Reading your post, I'm seeing communications issues, concerns of commitment, and possible resentment that sounds like it's been brewing for a while. Ultimately, you need to be talking to him about your issues as you and he are the only ones who can solve this.

Communication alone is difficult. I don't know how to approach him anymore. He shuts down, when I ask him to please talk to me he refuses. When i lay my issues he walks away, even his mom told me this is what he usually does.

 

[ThinkerBelle]

This is common in benefit relations. ISFJ's listens to everything ISTP's tell them to do. However, ISTP doesn't do the same.

These relations are asymmetrical. One partner, called the Benefactor, is always in a more favourable position in respect to the other partner who is known as Beneficiary.

The Beneficiary thinks of the Benefactor as an interesting and meaningful person, usually over-evaluating them in the beginning. The Beneficiary can be impressed and delighted by their partner's behaviour, manners, thoughts and their ability to easily deal with things that the Beneficiary conceives as complicated. When partners are together, the Beneficiary involuntarily starts to ingratiate themselves with the Benefactor, trying to please them without any obvious reason. In the worst cases this starts from little things and then becomes bigger until the Beneficiary realises the foolishness of their situation.

The Beneficiary can see the weakness of the Benefactor, wishing to help their partner to strengthen themselves. Because the strongest point of the Beneficiary is the weak and unconscious point of the Benefactor, the Beneficiary is convinced that they are able to help. However, when the Beneficiary tries to help, the Benefactor usually refuses the help without any good explanation. The Beneficiary usually listens to every word the Benefactor says but there is no feedback, the Benefactor can not hear the Beneficiary. This may be sometimes unpleasant and even irritating for the Beneficiary.

The Benefactor accepts the Beneficiary as somebody who is lower in rank or social position and often undervalues them in the beginning. The reason for this is that the Benefactor feels that the Beneficiary needs something from them, that special something that only the Benefactor can provide. Therefore the Benefactor naturally finds themselves in an advanced position in respect to the Beneficiary, but are at the same time willing to encourage and take care of the Beneficiary.

Relations of Benefit may appear even and conflict free. Usually it is the Benefactor who initiates the contact. Partners can even feel some kind of spiritual connection between them. However, relations last only as long as the Benefactor has something to give and the Beneficiary has need of it. If this major condition is no longer fulfilled, relations enter quite an unpleasant stage of their development. The Beneficiary may begin ignoring the Benefactor completely or they may start to accentuate too many of the Benefactors inability, provoking arguments and quarrels. Finally, when the Benefactor is in a superior position to the Beneficiary, it can work quite well, but not when it is the other way round!

Is there any way to change it? How can a benefactor be in a superior position?

 

[Excogitator]

Hi ThinkerBelle

My husband and one of my daughters are ISTPs and yes they are sometimes difficult to get close to. Mine are deeply sensitive and super loyal people but they don't like to be pressured to express themselves or their feelings, but will do so eventually if given enough time and space. I thought it was the ESTP that found it hard to commit? I have an ISFJ daughter as well and of all my children she gets on the best with her father. I am an ISTJ and find I am very similar to my ISTP partner. Over the years we have come to get along very well although we are both confrontational, but we do enjoy our arguments. I think the feeling side of the ISFJ is a good balance for the thinking ISTP. I have an ISFJ friend who has an ISTP husband and they get on very well and have been married for decades.

Love conquers all.

 

[tinker683]

You're right, because of lack of communication from his side and simply refusing to sit down with me and talk and lay down our issues, I feel we have not resolved all of them completely. I find it really hard to make him listen.

I read about his personality type and wonder if this really has something to do with our lack of communication?

Communication alone is difficult. I don't know how to approach him anymore. He shuts down, when I ask him to please talk to me he refuses. When i lay my issues he walks away, even his mom told me this is what he usually does.

I can't speak for ISTPs and whatever their opinion on the above may be, but for me, communication is a must-have and if my partner isn't willing to sit down and communicate with me, then we don't have a relationship.

Period.

The fact that he's unwilling to communicate, to talk, to put in SOME kind of effort, is entirely his fault and his issue, not yours, and it isn't your responsibility to take ANY kind of ownership of that.

My advice is to wish him well and move on. I'm sure he's a great guy in a great many respects, but if he's not willing to work on this then neither should you and you're just pissing in the wind at this point.

 

[great_bay]

Is there any way to change it? How can a benefactor be in a superior position?

I have no idea. However, my parents have been married for twenty-four years. My dad still doesn't listen to what my mom asks him to do. They appear happy though. I listen to everything my mom tells me though because we share the same functions and I can understand all of her motives.

 

[ThinkerBelle]

I don't know if its because he just doesn't want to be with me anymore. We talked last night and he said that he sees me unhappy and he feels he's the reason, i told him its his actions. That i still do want to be with him, im unhappy because despite me letting him know what I need, he blatantly refuses to do them. I need to hear words, i need to feel affection, and it doesnt mean we been together over a year he can stop doing all that. He said I already know him as a person including his good qualities so why will he still do all those things I ask.

I honestly feel hopeless. We talked about breaking up, but we both dont want it, i kinda do coz im emotionally drained that despite me trying to make him understand he just closes his mind on it. He said he think its best to break up so I can go be happy, although he said breaking up isnt what he wants. he doesn't understand that its him as that individual who I want to be with, its his actions recently makes me unhappy. . All I ask of him are things he used to do and capable of doing because he has done them before. I see actions (favors, presents, he even does my laundry for me, cooks even when he hates cooking), but i need words too. He grasped this idea before but i dont know why this time he completely acts cold to the idea that i need to hear him say kind words. I read ISTPs want to fix things, but he doesn't seem to be that way. I let him know what my needs are because we both cant read each other's minds.

Communication is scanty. Last night we got to sit down, but nothing seemed to be resolved because from his end he refuses to compromise, and he was drinking. He seems to need to drink just to be able to "talk".

 

[seradane]

All I ask of him are things he used to do and capable of doing because he has done them before. I see actions (favors, presents, he even does my laundry for me, cooks even when he hates cooking), but i need words too. He grasped this idea before but i dont know why this time he completely acts cold to the idea that i need to hear him say kind words. I read ISTPs want to fix things, but he doesn't seem to be that way. I let him know what my needs are because we both cant read each other's minds.

This sounds like you communicate your love via words, wheras he does via actions.

Have you heard of the 5 Love Languages? (Here's a fairly comprehensive explanation, apologies if I've missed one from this forum: "The Five Love Languages" Explained) Might be worth reading into, but essentially it says exactly what you are saying, couples often get frustrated at each other for not expressing their affection for each other in the same way, even though each are trying to reach out as best they know how.

My boyfriend and I run into this a bit, like yours, he is also very much an 'actions' person. On a daily basis he will cook for me, make me tea and breakfast in the morning, pours me a drink if I'm feeling sad, prepare my stuff for the next day... all without me even asking. Yet he almost never says the words "I love you", not even when I say it to him. At times it bothers me, but then I remind myself that his love is shining through every day in the things he does for me, he just shows me his love instead of saying it. And isn't that more genuine than just a few words, in a lot of ways?

Ultimately, that may be just who your partner is. As you have tried asking him to provide more of your own 'language' and it's been met with confusion/refusal, you have two options: Either you teach yourself to view his actions as his way of expressing love, and let that be enough for you (and maybe try reciprocating in his 'language', sometimes it takes feeling loved to be more comfortable expressing love), or you just have to accept that it's not enough for you, and find someone who expresses their love the way you need.

It seems a shame to end an otherwise good relationship over a communication issue, but then again, if one partner is unwilling to make the effort his relationship needs, perhaps it is for the best, before more major issues arise.

 

[ThinkerBelle]

Thank you everyone so much.. It means a lot knowing there are people who understands where Im coming from. Its so frustrating that no matter what I do I feel he just doesnt seem to keep in mind what my needs are. I have already clearly told him, i just need an affectionate text in he mornings and at night before we sleep... "Good morning babe, have a great day, i love you." And "goodnight babe, sweet dreams i love you" these mean so much to me.. Yet he doesnt and when he does, i tell him again to just please do it..i need it, he then says I want it not need it.. I need it to feel loved its how I understand things. At some point also he said "since you mentioned it now and asked for it, you know it ain't happening tonight, you know me Im stubborn.." Those words just really hurt, because if he asks me things I immediately do it when I can because thats how it should be right? Meeting the needs of the person you love?

He isnt a bad person, i just seem to not really understand him. Sometimes i find so hard to reach out to him. But he shows care, cooks, laundry, favors, when im sick he will get me medicines, he remembers to give me presents, some days he comes home from work with shirts he bought for me, or some food i love..

I need words with action, i told him this.... I still dont get any

 

[Evil Otter]

Hello everyone. Im new to this forum and just recently discovered my myers briggs personality type. I tried to search for threads or articles about ISFJ and ISTP relationship. I am in a relationship where communication is almost impossible with my bf, we have constant fights and i find it so hard to understand him. I have gone as far as reading books on relationships just to help me understand him and men in general. To a point its just so exhausting that I feel its just not fair that I exhaust all these efforts just to make the relationship work. Im in love with his man and really do wish to spend my life with him. We have been dating for almost 2 years now. I took two tests online and showed im an ISFJ in both tests, this type describes me fairly accurately. I then asked my Bf to take the same test and he's an ISTP. I read that one characteristic of this type is their "lack of long term commitment".

I still am not that familiar with the different personality types, but would like to gain some insights on this combination. Will an ISTP and ISFJ relationship work out?

Please help.

As a straight, male ISTP in a relationship with a straight, female ISFJ I fully believe in can work long term. That said, I totally get the miscommunication part of the relationship and that is probably the most difficult aspect. For instance, I can say sarcastic jokes at times that (especially when said over text) are taken as mean-spirited. Of course I don't want to hurt my gf's feeling but it happens. I can be too oblivious about how my words and actions are sometimes perceived and she (self-admittedly) can be too sensitive.
As another example, I also have a difficult time assessing my own emotions/feeling... I'll know if I have a headache or that I'm tired, I might (read: 50/50) even realize that I'm being outwardly irritable, but certainly won't realize that my irritability is the only thing that my gf is noticing. Luckily, she is very good at communicating to me how I'm making her feel which affords me the opportunity to evaluate what my own emotional state is and how it's affecting my behavior, AND allows me to explain to her why I'm acting that way (i.e. that it's not her).

That's pretty much the extent of the negatives though. I'd seriously say that 99% of the problems faced in this pairing come down to a miscommunication somewhere along the line.

On the bright side though there are some guarantees that come as part of the packaged deal with just about any ISTP. He'll be fair; if you can point out that he's being a royal d-bag then he will freely admit his error and do everything he can to correct it. That said he will expect you to "forgive and forget" in return because afterall "to err is human". He'll also be logical (at least according to what he knows/has experienced). Being logical, his actions will nearly always be accompanied by a logical explanation... unless he's very, very stressed, then it's best to be like Florida resident during a hurricane and "hunker down" to wait out the storm.

And don't fret to much about the "lack of long term commitment" comment as it leads to a common misunderstanding about ISTP's. It's true that we live in the present, but that doesn't mean we take no thought towards the future. Even now I'm planning the how, when, and where to get my MBA; move in with my gf; get married. The comment has more to do with how we understand our commitments than it does with any sort of commitment-phobia (as that would contradict our non-anxious nature anyways, and contradictions are illogical ). In truth, our commitments, irrespective of length, are to us as concrete as the here and now, but tomorrow is no guarantee. That might sound troubling but unless you plan on changing a lot between now and then, why would the commitment change. You said you've been together for two years and if he hasn't walked away already then he won't, unless he's given legitimate reason to do so. Go ahead and tie him up . And yes I said it that way just so I could use that emoticon, because I think it's funny. Whelp, best of luck

 

[Evil Otter]

Also I only read that first post and having gone back I'll have to get back to you because I'm headed out now, but I can definitely speak to the shutting down part

 

[ThinkerBelle]

Thank you so much lucky13 and everyone who replied. Im so glad I found this site. I would love to hear more insights from a male Istp like you, I suppose that's the closest I can get to getting in his head..and avoid clonficts

 

[Poki]

Find a real man, he sounds immature and not ready for a relationship. This is aside from type.

 

[Evil Otter]

Thank you so much lucky13 and everyone who replied. Im so glad I found this site. I would love to hear more insights from a male Istp like you, I suppose that's the closest I can get to getting in his head..and avoid clonficts

So... shutting down or stonewalling as it usually called in relationship books. This indicates immaturity on his part. I've been there myself and I've done it too. Generally speaking though it was done when I didn't see the other person as really worth my time and energy but couldn't actually escape the situation. I did my stonewalling predominantly with critical teachers in school and missionary companions back when I was mormon and on a mormon mission. Having matured a little since then I now keep it to only biting my tongue when it's one of those power relationships (like the teacher then, my bosses now) and figuring out their form of communication so that I can re-phrase it to make it so that rather than making them sound like an idiot for having not already done it, they feel like it was their own ground-breaking idea (I don't enjoy having to do it that way, but it works). In a relationship though, one where the power dynamic can always being lifted by one party simply walking away, I'm more inclined to speak my mind and due so frankly. If clarification is needed I'll give it after I've spoken my mind.

That's me though, and I strongly believe I got to this point at lot faster than I would've because I went though a mormon mission with less than ideal companions and for two years was forced to learn how to deal with people that pissed me off with all their illogical thinking and inefficient methods. As is the case with any stonewaller I had to learn to step back from the situation for a moment and objectively look at my behavior and position, and his or her position. The easiest way to do this is out loud. Simply walking the other person through my thoughts; "Okay let's back-up a second"..."So what you want is X and you want to do it by the standard operating procedures (i.e. the way it's always been done), and I also want X but I want to get/do X in the most efficient way possible. So what we aren't agreeing on is the way we go about it. Right?" or "So you want X, and I don't want X. If I'm understanding you then you want X because of x, y, and z. (if that's right, most of the time they back track) Okay so now the reason I don't want X are because of a, b, and c." When done this way it is amazing how quickly the conversations change to finding an amicable solution rather than proving who is right.

If you aren't ready to move on from the relationship/him yet then my suggestion would be to make things as objective as possible for him so that all he has to do is the logic (find the solution to the objective problem). Let's say he's watching March Madness but it's still the 1st quarter and you're gonna make dinner but realize the dishes you need are dirty and you don't have all the ingredients. First, don't say, "babe I need you to stop watching the game and do the dishes." He'll think that the dishes are not time sensitive, but watching the game is. So explain all the facts to him, "Hey babe, I'm gonna make X for dinner but I don't have x, y, and z, and I also need some of the pans cleaned. Will you wash those while I go to the store, so you can still listen to the game and I can get dinner going when I get back." This sounds like an efficient plan and he'll probably say yes or if he isn't completely immature then he'll make a reasonable suggestion of something else that can be cooked without any of the extra duties. If all he'd say though is, "well, cook something else". RUN, run as fast as you can. He's not just an immature ISTP he's and immature little SHIT, and doesn't deserve to have a girl that will make him dinner while he watches the game.

All this said, without any further information or specific conversations that he shut down on. I have to agree with [MENTION=12103]Poki[/MENTION], he sounds immature, and it's probably best to just get out of that relationship. Either way, I hope this helps.

 

[ThinkerBelle]

I try not to interrupt him when hes watching his sports channel, I actually have no problem with him doing chores around the house. He does them without me telling him to, i leave the dishes in the sink until he gets up and does them, he does laundry and fold my clothes, he cooks for me and he hates to cook, run errands, grocery shopping etc.. The only problem really is his tendency to shut down. I have tried to discuss things with him logically but he tends to seems like he doesnt listen, wont even look at me, so that gets me frustrtated and more emotional. He does talk when he's ready but sometimes it takes days. Also, there are times that I let him know what I need, he won't acknowledge that he heard me, but eventually I find him doing these things.

I love him, and would really want to make this work. He did say once when we were fighting, that maybe I should learn to take a step back and look at things. He feels he doesn't make me happy anymore. But he fails to realize its his lack of affection lately and his cold demeanor that made me unhappy. We spent the day today and everything was great.

Thank you guys so much. I hope you all wont mind if i come back and post here anytime concerning other things about my istp boyfriend.. Lol