[ENFJ] ENFJs: specific differences btwn your "friendly" flirting and "actual" flirting

[AutumnReverie]

out of curiosity, why does your friend think you shouldn't initiate?

Thanks for the advice!

My friend doesn't think I should do it because she admits to being very traditional when it comes to these things (and I understand that as I am traditional as well). If I had little to no solid indication that he liked me, then I definitely would go with the "he needs to ask me first" route. But since the kiss et all happened, I think it's a little nonsensical to go with the tradition just because it's the tradition. If the end result is the same (- us going out) then it shouldn't matter, right?

However, she's actually had a relationship and I haven't...so what do I know?

At this point I would feel like I'm being pushy by doing it, but if a natural opportunity to ask arises then I'll definitely take it.

But I'm also confused as to why she feels I shouldn't ask him on a one-on-one date. She thinks that if I did ask him it would be less intimidating if I invited him to dinner with me plus all my friends. My other (ESFP guy) friend disagrees and thinks THAT would be intimidating and a one-on-one date is fine considering we already kissed and such.

It's not obvious usually until you offer your love to me, and I will be a bit unsure until then... does that make sense?

So maybe you ought to do some offering??

At times I feel like it's obvious what I think about him and at other times I feel like it's not obvious at all (and I can understand why he might doubt). But I'm not entirely sure how to "do some offering" without sounding desperate and possibly turning him off

If you're shy/withdrawn like me, you may worry that things are "too pushy," while the other person doesn't see it as "pushy" at all. It covers completely different ranges for different people. Hmm, you probably already thought about this.

This is exactly what I worry about. The two friends, who I've been talking about this guy with, have told me that I'm being "crazy" and that none of my actions could be perceived as "pushy/desperate/being-a-creeper/etc" but...I still can't help but feel like they are.

I suppose with shy/withdrawn people, putting ourselves out there in any way that's drastically different from what we're comfortable with will make us feel like our actions are being perceived as abnormal/awkward/pushy.

 

[Arclight]

Thanks for the advice!

My friend doesn't think I should do it because she admits to being very traditional when it comes to these things (and I understand that as I am traditional as well). If I had little to no solid indication that he liked me, then I definitely would go with the "he needs to ask me first" route. But since the kiss et all happened, I think it's a little nonsensical to go with the tradition just because it's the tradition. If the end result is the same (- us going out) then it shouldn't matter, right?

However, she's actually had a relationship and I haven't...so what do I know?

At this point I would feel like I'm being pushy by doing it, but if a natural opportunity to ask arises then I'll definitely take it.

But I'm also confused as to why she feels I shouldn't ask him on a one-on-one date. She thinks that if I did ask him it would be less intimidating if I invited him to dinner with me plus all my friends. My other (ESFP guy) friend disagrees and thinks THAT would be intimidating and a one-on-one date is fine considering we already kissed and such.


At times I feel like it's obvious what I think about him and at other times I feel like it's not obvious at all (and I can understand why he might doubt). But I'm not entirely sure how to "do some offering" without sounding desperate and possibly turning him off



This is exactly what I worry about. The two friends, who I've been talking about this guy with, have told me that I'm being "crazy" and that none of my actions could be perceived as "pushy/desperate/being-a-creeper/etc" but...I still can't help but feel like they are.

I suppose with shy/withdrawn people, putting ourselves out there in any way that's drastically different from what we're comfortable with will make us feel like our actions are being perceived as abnormal/awkward/pushy.

Simply make your intentions clear. This might be my type 6 talking however.
But basically look at it as a negotiation.
I promise he will feel nothing but respect if you state what you want from him. It's not desperate.. If he likes you, I doubt he would ever hold you in such low esteem.

 

[AutumnReverie]

Simply make your intentions clear. This might be my type 6 talking however.
But basically look at it as a negotiation.
I promise he will feel nothing but respect if you state what you want from him. It's not desperate.. If he likes you, I doubt he would ever hold you in such low esteem.

I already told him that I liked him and I've kissed him. Not sure what else I can say without scaring him off If I ask him to dinner isn't it implied that I'd like to date him (and not just have some fling)? <-- this isn't a rhetorical question, I'm really asking

 

[Arclight]

I already told him that I liked him and I've kissed him. Not sure what else I can say without scaring him off If I ask him to dinner isn't it implied that I'd like to date him (and not just have some fling)? <-- this isn't a rhetorical question, I'm really asking

Hmm then I am stumped. I mean by now I would have gotten the message.

His behavior suggests interest. But then this is where I differ from some of the complaints issued against ENFJs. At this stage if I had no interest.. I would have backed off.. seems some ENFJs just like the attention and play with something way past it's expiration date.

I think honesty would work best.. tell him you want to up the relationship because the present situation is no longer acceptable and confusing.
Tell him you don't want to be hurt, and actually sound sad (it's important to actually sound sad, not angry or frustrated, This situation makes you sad right?) Empathy should take over at that point

If he is an ENFJ, then appeal to his humanity. That ought to not fail.

 

[AutumnReverie]

I think honesty would work best.. tell him you want to up the relationship because the present situation is no longer acceptable and confusing.
Tell him you don't want to be hurt, and actually sound sad (it's important to actually sound sad, not angry or frustrated, This situation makes you sad right?) Empathy should take over at that point

If he is an ENFJ, then appeal to his humanity. That ought to not fail.

Hmm well I'm not "sad" just yet since the present situation is just so recent (him admitting to liking me + the kissing just happened this past Thursday). And since then he's been really sick with the flu. So it just made for awkward timing because I haven't got to really see him or talk to him since that night...except for briefly when he picked me up from work the other day and we just talked about his bad week/weekend and then we did our usual cute texting that night.

I don't want to scare him by saying that I want a relationship already, when we technically haven't even had our first date yet. But I do want him to know that I have that in mind and that I'm not up for just some random ongoing fling (I don't know if that's what he's thinking but it's better to be safe than sorry, haha).

Is there a way to say that easily? Generally speaking, what's the best way to communicate with ENFJs?

I'd say right now things are going well (as in, we're on the right track)...I just don't want to mess it up.


ETA: I went ahead and asked him to dinner! He said yes and we're going out on Saturday night

 

[Lily flower]

The guy was sick with the flu. No one wants to reach out when they are that sick. Just give it a couple days, let him get better and be light & fun about everything. The best way to scare a guy off in the beginning is to get all intense and want to discuss "the relationship." When he is feeling better, tell him you had fun and would love to get together with him again.

 

[AutumnReverie]

My thoughts exactly, Lily Flower...I don't want it to get all intense just yet (as everything's been light & fun up until now) but I do want him to know that I'm not up for a "fling" of any sort So, not sure how to say that, but I'm sure I'll figure out what he's thinking more after our date on Saturday Maybe I won't even need to clarify that at all.

I'm just wondering what the best way to communicate with ENFJs are, in general, though.

 

[Unkindloving]

My thoughts exactly, Lily Flower...I don't want it to get all intense just yet (as everything's been light & fun up until now) but I do want him to know that I'm not up for a "fling" of any sort So, not sure how to say that, but I'm sure I'll figure out what he's thinking more after our date on Saturday Maybe I won't even need to clarify that at all.

I'm just wondering what the best way to communicate with ENFJs are, in general, though.

I think this really depends on how you feel. ENFJs are great receptors to intensity.. since we're so damn good at dishing it out . I'm not sure of his stage in life, but I think ENFJs tend to be serious about liking people and potential relationships.
If one of us cares about you, your intensity will be welcome. It can kindve tap into our inner realm and create an awesome dynamic (though I'm only assuming this applies to the menfolk as well). Some of my best relationships and friendships have been the ones to embrace the intense aspect.
Course, keeping it light is totally fine. Flirting and playfulness is always a good thing. I'd say make sure you are just honest when it calls for honesty. I'd say ENFJs don't like to play games. We're not really the sort that needs a manual filled of elaborate plays to get to a point.
Glad things are going well so far! Yay

 

[Lily flower]

My thoughts exactly, Lily Flower...I don't want it to get all intense just yet (as everything's been light & fun up until now) but I do want him to know that I'm not up for a "fling" of any sort So, not sure how to say that, but I'm sure I'll figure out what he's thinking more after our date on Saturday Maybe I won't even need to clarify that at all.

I'm just wondering what the best way to communicate with ENFJs are, in general, though.

Hi! I was just wondering if it ever worked out with you two.

 

[AutumnReverie]

Hi! I was just wondering if it ever worked out with you two.

Hey! Well...fortunately, it did not work out between the ENFJ and I. He kept making dates and then flaking out on them, saying that he liked me so much (via text) but never showing that through any action, etc. The last straw was about two weeks after my last post in this thread -- I invited him to my birthday. Once again, he flaked. I'd say that the moment he found out that I wouldn't be a "fling" or put out right away, he began looking for other options whilst hoping to keep me as a backburner option.


But it all worked out for the best! All of that ENFJ drama happened around Sept/Oct 2010. I moved to a new state in February 2011. Met my current (INTJ) boyfriend in March! It happened when I least expected it, and I couldn't be happier with him. I feel so lucky ~ I suppose everything does happen for a reason.

 

[Lily flower]

Oh, that's so nice to hear! It reminds me of the song, "Thank God for unanswered prayers."