[ENFJ] ENFJ and INFJ Relationships - How to Love Them

[copperfish17]

Cutting to the chase: There's an ENFJ and an INFJ who're both very dear to me, but I don't know how to... "love" an E/INFJ, per say.

Some questions I have in my mind are:

How can I show an E/INFJ that I care about/love him/her?
What are some specific things that I can do or say to "love" an E/INFJ?
How much verbal/non-verbal affection do E/INFJ's want/need?
How can you tell if an E/INFJ likes you?

You're not limited to answering the questions listed above. Do share ANY insight involved in "loving" an E/INFJ.

*hugs all you awesome NFJ's*

Gah... you NFJ's and your tendency to disarm my Ti. I hate you all.



P.S. The relationships between the E/INFJ in question and me are NOT romantic, but any advices that pertain to the "romantic side of things" are also very welcome. Hope any NFJ wubbers like me can benefit from this thread.

P.P.S. Do differentiate between the answers pertaining to ENFJ's and INFJ's!

 

[Phantonym]

Being an INFJ, some things that "work" for me in the whole "not romantic love department":

Share yourself, don't withdraw because that makes me withdraw as well. Listen to what I'm saying because at that time, it is important to me to say it. You don't have to agree, just pay attention. Share the things that make you happy because that shows me you trust me and feel comfortable around me.

It's really nice when people remember little details that I've shared with them because that shows me that they do care enough about me to really listen.

This might be just me but anything excessive about verbal/nonverbal affection freezes me right up. It's kind of embarrassing and seems like it's fake even when it's not. Little gestures like asking about something you know I like to do regularly, or what interests me in depth. Showing interest also shows that you care about me and what makes me happy.

Be honest, show yourself as you really are, don't break the trust, stick around but don't try to smother and don't try too hard.

All that creates a nice comfortable atmosphere and neither of us has to worry about taking some extra special measures to show that we care.

You can probably tell that an INFJ likes you when they keep coming back to you. When they start avoiding you, you know that something is up.

Good luck with everything!

 

[Lux]

Some questions I have in my mind are:

This is just for myself, an INFJ.

How can I show an E/INFJ that I care about/love him/her?

When you share your thoughts and feelings on things with me, important and non-important alike. Especially in regards to questions I have asked.

Tell me who you are. Tell me things important to you, whatever they may be.

When you show that you want to know me. When you accept who I am in entirety. When you challenge me and don't blindly agree, but be polite about disagreement, I don't like unkindness... Sarcasm is all right; in fact it is very welcome. I love anything that makes me laugh.

I enjoy when I can sense others are genuinely interested in my thoughts and feelings. I like when interesting questions are asked about my thoughts on things, but I don't typically enjoy really personal questions. At times I like personal questions, but I have to feel comfortable with you, otherwise, I feel invaded.

What are some specific things that I can do or say to "love" an E/INFJ?

Interesting conversation, is the biggest with me personally. It shows me you value my thoughts and feelings. A sharing of thoughts and ideas mixed with humor on a myriad of subjects... A good mix of intelligent seriousness and silliness wins me over every time.

Be genuinely interested in things that matter to me, be interested in me.

Another thing is to give me my alone time and don't make me feel guilty about it. That means a lot to me.

How much verbal/non-verbal affection do E/INFJ's want/need?

I do like to know where I stand with people. I can usually sense when others genuinely want me around, but kind words always make me smile. I can be affectionate, but unless I'm romantically interested in you it may make me uncomfortable. Hugs are mildly okay it depends on the situation. As I said though, if it is romantic, I enjoy and give plentiful affection.

How can you tell if an E/INFJ likes you?

When I am interested in you when I want to know what makes you tick. I'm under no delusions that I'll ever figure it out, I just like finding out about people I enjoy. When I care about what happens to you. When I keeping coming back with more questions or anything really... When I stick around, I suppose.

You're not limited to answering the questions listed above. Do share ANY insight involved in "loving" an E/INFJ.

With this, I would say ultimately in both friendships and romantic interests, that I want someone to want to understand me, and then actually understand me, as much as I want and feel (whether accurate or not) that I understand them. That is the biggest one for me. If I find you fascinating, I want to feel you find me stimulating as well, then we move up and the relationship (hopefully) grows and builds upon itself from there.

I suppose I crave, and want to give someone else, utter acceptance of self. If that even exists.

Good luck.

 

[FemMecha]

There is also an INFJ forum where you could get a broad sampling of responses. I'm not sure if my perspective is representative or not, but I will make a couple of comments that could apply.

How can I show an E/INFJ that I care about/love him/her?
Listening can be a unique experience. I think there is a tendency for INFJs to listen to others, but since it can take longer to open up personally, or even just find the words, it is harder to find a dynamic where someone else listens. This is not because other people aren't listeners, but because it might be hard for the INFJ to communicate that they have something to say.

What are some specific things that I can do or say to "love" an E/INFJ?
The simplest thing is to find a way to ask the specific person what makes them happiest. Spending time with the person helps. I tend to be quite direct in my communication in intimate relationships. The more unfamiliar and untrusted the person is, the more I struggle with being indirect. In some ways when someone approaches me with a degree of directness, I interpret it as being trusted in some cases. Complex relationships weary me almost immediately. I am drawn towards the simplest connections imaginable because people are complicated enough as it is. Relationships that are in flux, going from one extreme to the next, or are filled with uncertainty burn me out quickly and I lose interest out of necessity. A simple, "I like you, let's do something together" is a breath of fresh air.

How much verbal/non-verbal affection do E/INFJ's want/need?
I don't know if quantity alone is necessary, but to communicate something meaningful, rather than pat phrases which can seem obligatory. The ability to spend peaceful, relaxed silent time together is a big sign of a meaningful connection for myself.

How can you tell if an E/INFJ likes you? Probably if they make themselves available through proximity, or if they seem a little shyer than usual in your presence. I have tended to use the hit-and-run compliment when I think highly of someone.

 

[Arclight]

If you absolutely have to point something out.. be gentle, very very gentle.
INFjs cant stand when others can look into them and see what they guard so preciously.

 

[Lux]

If you absolutely have to point something out.. be gentle, very very gentle.
INFjs cant stand when others can look into them and see what they guard so preciously.

With me personally, I would like it for someone to see, and feel comfortable enough to share. It would fascinate me. Especially if it were correct.

But I do not care for cruelty. I don't think anyone really does but...

What others see, not just about myself, but with many things in general, captivates me, particularly if it is perceptive.

 

[Arclight]

With me personally, I would like it for someone to see, and feel comfortable enough to share. It would fascinate me.

But I do not care for cruelty. I don't think anyone really does but...

What others see, not just about myself, but with many things in general, captivates me, particularly if it is perceptive.

Maybe it was just mine then.. At one time she loved that I could see into her..
But at some point she just felt exposed and I don't think I understood just how vulnerable that made her feel.. As I said the key was to be gentle.. and I wasn't.

 

[Lux]

Everyone is different.

Being gentle about something difficult is beautiful advice, though.

 

[JocktheMotie]

If it's not romantic, why do you care? I'm lost.

 

[digesthisickness]

If it's not romantic, why do you care? I'm lost.

me too. the only way i've been able to place a context is if the enfj/infj people are only acquaintances at this juncture, and the OP wants to begin a friendship.

and, even then...

 

[Chunes]

There's this thing called platonic love at which, I have found, INFJs particularly excel.

That said—one way to my INFJ's heart is through her stomach. She's very skilled at identifying and pointing out the ways I've tailored the dish especially for her. MBTI theory would not seem fit to describe how to love someone. There are so many ways to show love.

The best way is also the most obvious: find some way to express your sentiments, then observe the reaction. It's a gradual process, but the most accurate. Try different things. See which things elicit the strongest positive reactions.

 

[JocktheMotie]

There's this thing called platonic love at which, I have found, INFJs particularly excel.

I can't imagine a use for this. Erotic love or GTFO!

I don't even know what a platonic love would consist of, don't think I've ever had one.

 

[copperfish17]

If it's not romantic, why do you care? I'm lost.

I care because I treasure the relationships I have with the ENFJ and INFJ in question. Yes, neither of them is romantic. Nevertheless, both the ENFJ and the INFJ are very, very special to me in ways that I cannot possibly articulate... (Well, correction: I probably can, but it would take too much time and effort on my part. ) Our relationships... well, how should I put it? It's like a (pseudo) family more than anything else. Supporting each other through hard times, being on each other's side no matter what (this is something I only do with the E/INFJ in question; everyone else must be prepared to take some TTLY SRS impersonal analysis)... all that good stuff.

My purpose for creating this thread was to learn more about ENFJ's and INFJ's (especially in terms of personal interactions). I want to treat my E/INFJ well; I want to avoid hurting them at all costs; I want them to like me as much as I like them; I want to learn how to avoid T and F clashes; I want to be able to tell if they're happy or not with how I am treating them... and so on so forth. I guess it all boils down to this: I just want to learn about E/INFJ's for the "bettering" of my relationship with them.

Thank you so much all of you who have posted thus far! I really appreciate all of your inputs, and I've perused all of your responses.

...I'm most definitely a T, btw. I swear!

Have you other NTP's never experienced platonic love before?! You guys are really missing out.

 

[digesthisickness]

if you're close enough to them to be able to compare them to 'family' then it seems you're already doing the right things.

i'm having trouble with the logic.

but, eh, it's not important whether or not i get it. i'm just... curious.

 

[copperfish17]

i'm having trouble with the logic.

How so? Allow me to clarify.

Would it help if I told you that I'm insecure about my abilities to interact with/read NF's in general?

And that I'm not sure if they like me as much as I like them? (Notice I was only talking about how I felt about THEM.) The ENFJ and the INFJ in question are both very nice to me but that alone doesn't tell me how much they *really* like me. Am I making sense here?

NF's are trixy like that. They appear to be much closer than they really are to you.

...

IT'S THE SLEEP DEPRIVATION RIGGING MY LOGIC, I SWEAR.

Also: Where are all me ENFJ's?

 

[digesthisickness]

how long have you been friends with them? i ask because if it's a short time, then i can see where you'd be concerned about screwing it up, but if not, and it's a longer time, then i'd think you'd have screwed it up by now if you were going to.

 

[copperfish17]

how long have you been friends with them? i ask because if it's a short time, then i can see where you'd be concerned about screwing it up, but if not, and it's a longer time, then i'd think you'd have screwed it up by now if you were going to.

ENFJ: 5~6 years, with a 1-year gap a year an a half ago. We thought we'd never see each other again then!
INFJ: 3~4 months.

Big difference, no?

Well, in theory, a relationship can screw up anytime, couldn't it? TBH, lately I've started to distance myself from the E/INFJ (it's just my need for temporary emotional withdrawal kicking in) and I think they're taking it harder than I meant for it to be... Well, guess I figured I could use some advices on how to maintain good relationships with E/INFJ's.

Am I making sense now? Please say yes.

 

[JocktheMotie]

ENFJ: 5~6 years, with a 1-year gap a year an a half ago. We thought we'd never see each other again then!
INFJ: 3~4 months.

Big difference, no?

Well, in theory, a relationship can screw up anytime, couldn't it? TBH, lately I've started to distance myself from the E/INFJ (it's just my need for temporary emotional withdrawal kicking in) and I think they're taking it harder than I meant for it to be... Well, guess I figured I could use some advices on how to maintain good relationships with E/INFJ's.

Am I making sense now? Please say yes.

This I can relate to. I suspect my best friend from Kindergarten to 8th grade [we were essentially inseparable]was an INFJ, and after we went to different high schools and I basically forgot about him, he took it pretty hard; he was in therapy, depression, the whole she-bang and blamed it on our separation.

NFJs, does someone falling out of your life affect you at all?

So basically, I don't have any advice about trying to love NFJs, because I can't do it.

 

[Phantonym]

NFJs, does someone falling out of your life affect you at all?

At all?!?!? That is all!!!!!!! When something like that happens, it's just awful. It's not like you'd be bawling your eyes out all the time but it's something that stays with you, I would say, forever. You don't constantly think about it but it's still there and the feelings associated with it can emerge whenever and then it's just...sad beyond belief. The doubts, all the questions circling your mind from time to time, wondering what mistakes were made, blaming yourself and all that.

 

[digesthisickness]

ENFJ: 5~6 years, with a 1-year gap a year an a half ago. We thought we'd never see each other again then!
INFJ: 3~4 months.

Big difference, no?

Well, in theory, a relationship can screw up anytime, couldn't it? TBH, lately I've started to distance myself from the E/INFJ (it's just my need for temporary emotional withdrawal kicking in) and I think they're taking it harder than I meant for it to be... Well, guess I figured I could use some advices on how to maintain good relationships with E/INFJ's.

Am I making sense now? Please say yes.

oh yeah. i'm zeroing in just fine.

and, yes, relationships can screw up at anytime, of course, but i figured you'd know that i meant in a huge, detrimental way. the kind that shows up fairly early because it's so important to whether or not two people can even be close friends to start with.

and, in this case, and correct me if i'm wrong you I/ENFJs, i should think that the best advice would be to, if not come right out and say the brutal truth, at least communicate that they haven't done anything wrong in another way. for instance, by saying anything that's 'normal', similar, to your regular communications. as if nothing is wrong.

they're usually pretty smart about such things, reading between lines and such, so give them something to read between. if you were to approach it that way, adding that, almost as if it's an afterthought, you've been so busy lately (or some other reason that's fairly common) and can't wait to get back to talking to people (don't even have to say them in particular) again then if they were wondering, they may then figure they were just imagining things and in actuality everything is fine.

the reason i'm advising you to do it that way, if you can't come right out and tell them (which i think you can and should-they can be extremely understanding and appreciate honesty), is because it, at least, conveys the unimportance of your distancing. the fact that it's not personal or a big deal.