[ENFJ] ENFJ in relationships

[Domino]

This is a verbal connection, they want you to tell them what you want, they need to know where they stand, they need a plan to keep there Fe busy and focused. They like appreciation for helping you reach that plan, there needs come last for them so they need someone whos plan includes them in it, this helps them keep them focused on themselves as well as the other person. With ENFJs its the thought that counts. Thats why they like being bought or given things, little things at random times, because it means you thought about them. Could be just coming home with a soda they like.

I used to like it when my ISTP bff would show up out of the blue and just take me on a drive. Nowhere really. Just around. Listening to the radio. I liked the fact that I didn't have to explain everything to him. He just knew, by my tone, or by my body language, or even the way I did my make-up. The way I was speaking. How tired I seemed. I like the effortless "reading". Like he bothered to get to know me, and did it accurately. Conversely, being able to read him and know what he wanted was what made me feel connected to him.

I've had this connection with ENTPs as well. I don't need money spent on me. I don't need grand gestures (those rather stress me out for some reason). They just seem to know instinctively what I'm about. And I like presenting them with something (anything at all really) that I knew right away was "them". Like remembering to tell a discouraged ENTP friend that he was "the king of what's in front of [him]" and he laughed to be reminded of his own words that he'd already forgotten. I didn't forget.

INTPs must be harder to come by, though I've known a few. All married of course. I have no reference on INTPs about this because I seriously dated just one, and he was no model to go by.

Just going off of the few ENFJ male friends I have (who I love to death ), they don't seem fearful or clingy. They definitely want something deep with someone (god, I hate the word "deep" though, haha). Both of them are the type to not sleep with a woman unless they feel some spiritual or emotional connection (their own admission). They want it ALL in a relationship, but I think this is very much an NF feeling. I certainly relate...

Occasionally they get in irrational moods where they think they will always be alone or whatever. As for clingy, I've never gotten that; I see them as very loyal, and maintaining relationships is a huge priority. I notice their ambitions in life have far less to do with a career (or whatever) than their personal relationships.

Anyway, I see them as very nurturing types. They need to feel needed maybe. It doesn't mean they are dissatisfied with who you are, because they wouldn't bother if you weren't worth it, but they want to see you fulfill your potential. NFs tend to think everyone & everything could be better, because our ideals are very high. It's not critical though....it's just a motivation in life. I've never had an ENFJ push me or nitpick me, but when I set a goal they'll be the ones to say "you can do it!" instead of acting like you're unrealistic.

I think ENFJs go well with INxPs because of that, because we need that encouragement to pursue our idealistic visions. The ENFJs are like little cheerleaders

I have a picture of my ENFJ male friend at his wedding. He's dancing the first dance with his INFP bride. I usually don't like wedding pictures, but the way he's holding her, with her face resting against his shoulder, it's just stunning sweet and he's clearly not aware of the camera. It was lovely and very exposed. I told him this, and he tried to joke it off, but it didn't work, and he was very touched. I can tell how much he loves her by the way he was holding her. He can't hide it.

 

[The Third Rider]

Wow, very insightful stuff in here, looks like we come across as people who try to change people. I will keep this in mind, please keep it coming guys!

 

[Pseudonym_Alpha]

My ENFJ ex claimed he didn't want relationships but hopelessly pined after the girls he loved. It was like he couldn't help himself -- he fell in love and then that person sucked him in, he HAD to connect with them and be with them.

He felt he found his cosmic soulmate every time he fell in love.

He wanted someone emotional, deep, intelligent, confident, perceptive, beautiful, interesting and stylish. Often what he got was not what he initially thought, and this would upset him greatly (causing him to become extremely critical and emotionally manipulative in trying to mold his love back to his failed ideal).

I can related to this, save the part where I'm the big "I" and he was an "E" , but yeah. Thats how my relationships in the past have gone but I'm still learning!

 

[Jonathanthegreat]

I'm going to agree with Chris, though I will say the part about 'closet-monsters' I am not too sure about. I would like to think that I am willing to accept both the good parts and the bad parts of a person.

Me too. I like you. LOVE your avatar.

 

[Jonathanthegreat]

Being an ENFJ, what I want in a relationship is someone who shares the same beliefs and is non dramatic. I just want to hold her hand and walk peacefully together through life. Telling her she is beautiful and that I appreciate everything about her. What I want in return? As a male, just to feel like I am appreciated by her. I don't expect her to shower me with gifts etc, but just a mutual respect and love shared by both of us is enough for me. Love really conquers all things.

 

[nomadic]

oh my gawd

So me and this ENFJ hook up, really really fast.

Then later, she doesn't like the fact that I smoke. She would kind of joke about it, but say that was one of the major reasons that she broke up with her ex-fiance.

Now she won't answer my calls. And its pretty much because she wants me to quit smoking.

But it pisses me off that she uses this approach, she's not doing it bc she cares about me, but because she is remembering what happened with her ex.

Im not going to live in the toilet bowl of an ex-bf. Fukk that!

sheesh!

 

[A Schnitzel]

And Schnitzel, I had no idea you felt so strongly in a negative way about ENFJs. I find that a bit surprising.

You misread my comments. I'm not sure how you interpreted them but I didn't intend them in that way.

After having an ENFJ as a best friend for sixteen years I'm bound to have a couple of hiccoughs. Most of them weren't related to his type.

 

[Domino]

You misread my comments. I'm not sure how you interpreted them but I didn't intend them in that way.

After having an ENFJ as a best friend for sixteen years I'm bound to have a couple of hiccoughs. Most of them weren't related to his type.

I'm glad it was my mistake. I must not have read it properly. You are, after all, one of my favorite carbohydrates.

 

[SpottingTrains]

oh my gawd

So me and this ENFJ hook up, really really fast.

Then later, she doesn't like the fact that I smoke. She would kind of joke about it, but say that was one of the major reasons that she broke up with her ex-fiance.

Now she won't answer my calls. And its pretty much because she wants me to quit smoking.

But it pisses me off that she uses this approach, she's not doing it bc she cares about me, but because she is remembering what happened with her ex.

Im not going to live in the toilet bowl of an ex-bf. Fukk that!

sheesh!

Or she just doesn't like smokers

 

[Poki]

Being an ENFJ, what I want in a relationship is someone who shares the same beliefs and is non dramatic. I just want to hold her hand and walk peacefully together through life. Telling her she is beautiful and that I appreciate everything about her. What I want in return? As a male, just to feel like I am appreciated by her. I don't expect her to shower me with gifts etc, but just a mutual respect and love shared by both of us is enough for me. Love really conquers all things.

Now how do you get that mutual respect and love? Things have to be done to be appreciated and things have to be done to feel loved.

 

[missellis75]

oh my gawd

So me and this ENFJ hook up, really really fast.

Then later, she doesn't like the fact that I smoke. She would kind of joke about it, but say that was one of the major reasons that she broke up with her ex-fiance.

Now she won't answer my calls. And its pretty much because she wants me to quit smoking.

But it pisses me off that she uses this approach, she's not doing it bc she cares about me, but because she is remembering what happened with her ex.

Im not going to live in the toilet bowl of an ex-bf. Fukk that!

sheesh!

She was probably trying to open up to you, not close you out or try to limit you. She was probably trying to explain a very complicated (very emotional and irrational) dislike for her ex that manifested itself in your smoking.

I also think there must have been other similarities that she may not have been able to pin down (between you and her ex). At any rate, in a situation like this the important thing to do is to confront your ENFJ emotionally and try to resolve the problem. Make your worries heard and hear theirs; they will respect and trust you more if you do this. And then you might get a more clear reason for why whatever you are doing is upsetting them so much. For example there may have been something (even further back than the ex fiance) like a grandparent that died of lung cancer or anything. ENFJs often reserve very traumatic incidents like this until they know that they can really really trust someone.

 

[Kungpowish]

Well, there is also the possibility of her thinking you COULD change it but didn't want to. And if smoking is against the way she thinks things should be... I know that if I wanted someone to stop and they wouldn't I would take it personally, and feel they didn't care enough about me to stop. That's the thing, we need to feel valued you know?

 

[nomadic]

^ i don't know her well enough to stop for her. I met her THREE TIMES! And I been smoking for 14 years!!! (and i still work out quite frequently)

She was probably trying to open up to you, not close you out or try to limit you. She was probably trying to explain a very complicated (very emotional and irrational) dislike for her ex that manifested itself in your smoking.

I also think there must have been other similarities that she may not have been able to pin down (between you and her ex). At any rate, in a situation like this the important thing to do is to confront your ENFJ emotionally and try to resolve the problem. Make your worries heard and hear theirs; they will respect and trust you more if you do this. And then you might get a more clear reason for why whatever you are doing is upsetting them so much. For example there may have been something (even further back than the ex fiance) like a grandparent that died of lung cancer or anything. ENFJs often reserve very traumatic incidents like this until they know that they can really really trust someone.

I think you're right. she said i reminded her of her ex... and she said her dad smokes too... so i thought it was weird why she doesn't get her dad to stop...

she won't let me confront her about it. she already knows what im thinking. she won't let me know what she's thinking. just totally left me hanging, saying she "doesn't have time to think about things" and keeps pushing it off till later and later. been 3 or 4 weeks now.

anyways, it might be too late for me emotionally, i feel like i already moved on, but i'll keep it in mind in case it comes back... i guess i'll just think of it as a one night stand. anyways, even if I did stop smoking, she wouldn't want to date me anymore once she finds out during those 3-4 weeks of no explanation, a girl roommate moved in...

 

[Domino]

I have a great deal of difficulty in imagining myself giving up *anything* for ANYONE I just met. Clearly, you smoke for a reason, Nomad, whatever those reasons are, good or bad. You've done it for 14 years. It would take only you to break that kind of habit - or someone extremely special.

 

[Ariel]

Completely agree with you, Nomad.
You sure she's an ENFJ btw?

 

[nomadic]

Completely agree with you, Nomad.
You sure she's an ENFJ btw?

Yeah, i made her take the test. she's enfj... (not to say all enfj's would have done the same)

I just wanted closure, and she won't give it. She just texted me saying she doesn't know what to say to me. She's been saying that for the last 4 weeks.

i just texted her " i don't like girls who can't deal with reality, and u won't like me either bc i am living with a girl now. so please, let me end it, or u end it." and no reply. she won't reply.

i think she just gets jollies from making me wait.