[ENFJ] INTP + ENFJ = ?

[LUBUS]

To the ENFJs:

Do you find yourselves drawn to the Introverted Thinking types, especially INTPs? Why so / why not?

What is the best (and worst) you can see in a ENFJ - INTP relationship, especially romantic ones?

 

[LUBUS]

OK...anyone who is not an ENFJ?....Your take on this?

 

[cafe]

If it's long-term, the ENFJ will likely get stuck with a fair amount of the practical, boring, routine stuff. May also have to get used to leaving the INTP partner at home while socializing. Though it probably depends on which gender is which type, unless both partners are the same gender. I dunno. I only know how things are for myself and my male INTP partner and we're middle aged, so there's that. And I'm an INFJ not an ENFJ.

 

[baccheion]

It can work if the ENFJ can adjust to the INTP and vice-versa. Instead of trying to get the INTP to open up and become the "best they can be," just be receptive to and supportive of them when they start that journey. Don't be annoying/controlling. Work something out so everyone's needs are met. And be honest with yourself. If what's worked out won't be satisfying to you (sometimes you have to try it and see), then it is what it is. And the INTP has to deal with socializing more and social formalities, but that should be fine (even enjoyable) as long as it doesn't become excessive or impose on their ability to pursue their solitary activities. Definitely INTPs tend to not be the best at (or the most desiring to do) the Judger stuff like organizing and keeping on track, but they'll probably be happy to provide support and affection if you do it (if you bring up the fact that you need it). They probably won't be able to do it as frequently as an extrovert or a feeler, but you'd be lying to yourself if you said it wasn't good enough. And then it's about you being open to rolling with the whim of the INTP. When they relax and get comfortable in a relationship (or maybe before) you'll notice they are very spontaneous, goofy, playful, etc. They aren't always serious. I would mention something about sex, but that shouldn't be a problem here, unless there is a gross mismatch in libido. It's usually more of a problem with ESFJs.

 

[LUBUS]

If it's long-term, the ENFJ will likely get stuck with a fair amount of the practical, boring, routine stuff. May also have to get used to leaving the INTP partner at home while socializing. Though it probably depends on which gender is which type, unless both partners are the same gender. I dunno. I only know how things are for myself and my male INTP partner and we're middle aged, so there's that. And I'm an INFJ not an ENFJ.

Do you often deal with the thought that your partner may be too «lazy» or «uncaring» to deal with both routine and social affairs?

 

[LUBUS]

It can work if the ENFJ can adjust to the INTP and vice-versa. Instead of trying to get the INTP to open up and become the "best they can be," just be receptive to and supportive of them when they start that journey. Don't be annoying/controlling. Work something out so everyone's needs are met. And be honest with yourself. If what's worked out won't be satisfying to you (sometimes you have to try it and see), then it is what it is. And the INTP has to deal with socializing more and social formalities, but that should be fine (even enjoyable) as long as it doesn't become excessive or impose on their ability to pursue their solitary activities. Definitely INTPs tend to not be the best at (or the most desiring to do) the Judger stuff like organizing and keeping on track, but they'll probably be happy to provide support and affection if you do it (if you bring up the fact that you need it). They probably won't be able to do it as frequently as an extrovert or a feeler, but you'd be lying to yourself if you said it wasn't good enough. And then it's about you being open to rolling with the whim of the INTP. When they relax and get comfortable in a relationship (or maybe before) you'll notice they are very spontaneous, goofy, playful, etc. They aren't always serious. I would mention something about sex, but that shouldn't be a problem here, unless there is a gross mismatch in libido. It's usually more of a problem with ESFJs.

Interesting...so, in typology-speak...would it be an issue of the ENFJ 'extraverting' that Ni and the INTP 'working out' on that Ne so that they become more congenial in the long run?

 

[HongDou]

FWIW, my ENFJ friend has this flirtatious interaction style with INTPs where they're constantly taking jabs at one another and debating various topics. It's fun to watch.

 

[baccheion]

Interesting...so, in typology-speak...would it be an issue of the ENFJ 'extraverting' that Ni and the INTP 'working out' on that Ne so that they become more congenial in the long run?

I dont understand what you just said. Explain.

FWIW, my ENFJ friend has this flirtatious interaction style with INTPs where they're constantly taking jabs at one another and debating various topics. It's fun to watch.

Interesting. Do they get along? I thought this jabbing back and forth was with INTPs and ENTJs, because ENFJs tend to be too easily hurt. When ENFJs take "jabs" at me, they tend to be annoying (trying to get some emotional rise/reaction out of me) and I do not enjoy it. Flirtatious sounds good, as long as it's out of respect or some sort of friendliness, infatuation, or curiosity, rather than because they see the INTPs as some sort of pet.

 

[LUBUS]

I dont understand what you just said. Explain.

I mean...you could say that a relationship between these two types wouldn't work in the long term, because their temperaments are very different (Fe vs. Ti). However, the ENFJ, for all the tendency of imposing order on the world, could project the Ni (introverted) outwards, causing a Ne-effect, so to speak. On the other hand, mature INTPs can deal quite well with external world affairs by means of Ne. Then, both types could interact using a perceiving function very similar to a dominant Ne (though it wouldn't be dominant in neither case), instead of dealing with the friction between the very conventional Fe and the very independent Ti.

Personally, I find myself enjoying the company of the rare ENFJs I encounter ...I often mistake ENFJs for ENFPs...only much later do I realize that we usually have quite pronounced differences in perceiving and taking decisions.

 

[LUBUS]

FWIW, my ENFJ friend has this flirtatious interaction style with INTPs where they're constantly taking jabs at one another and debating various topics. It's fun to watch.

Flirtatious? How so? Does the INTP correspond?

 

[HongDou]

Interesting. Do they get along? I thought this jabbing back and forth was with INTPs and ENTJs, because ENFJs tend to be too easily hurt. When ENFJs take "jabs" at me, they tend to be annoying (trying to get some emotional rise/reaction out of me) and I do not enjoy it. Flirtatious sounds good, as long as it's out of respect or some sort of friendliness, infatuation, or curiosity, rather than because they see the INTPs as some sort of pet.

They get along in a snarky sort of way if that makes sense. Although "easily hurt" isn't something I'd use to describe her. I think she's always very calm and level-headed, awesome in crisis situations (mostly because she knows how to delegate), while still being engaging and playful. Then again she's a 9w8, maybe she's not as emotionally up-and-down as the 2w3 sort of ENFJ that people think of more when they hear ENFJ.

Flirtatious? How so? Does the INTP correspond?

Like teasing and being sarcastic with each other. Poking fun at each other. And so on. It's hard to describe.

 

[baccheion]

I mean...you could say that a relationship between these two types wouldn't work in the long term, because their temperaments are very different (Fe vs. Ti). However, the ENFJ, for all the tendency of imposing order on the world, could project the Ni (introverted) outwards, causing a Ne-effect, so to speak. On the other hand, mature INTPs can deal quite well with external world affairs by means of Ne. Then, both types could interact using a perceiving function very similar to a dominant Ne (though it wouldn't be dominant in neither case), instead of dealing with the friction between the very conventional Fe and the very independent Ti.

Personally, I find myself enjoying the company of the rare ENFJs I encounter ...I often mistake ENFJs for ENFPs...only much later do I realize that we usually have quite pronounced differences in perceiving and taking decisions.

In INTP + ENFJ interactions, the INTP is usually in the disadvantaged position. So how well these relationships work depends more on the health (and experience) of the ENFJ than the INTP, though the INTP has to be sufficiently healthy as well (but they don't have to be as healthy as the ENFJ). If both the INTP and the ENFJ are of average health, then the relationship may start in any number of ways (neutral, sour, wonderful), but will eventually go sour. Usually if the INTP is happy, then the ENFJ will be complaining that their needs aren't being met, and if the ENFJ is happy, then the INTP will be miserable. If the ENFJ is sufficiently healthy, then, again, this is not a problem. This is more relevant for relationships and maybe close friendships than anything else. If the INTP and ENFJ are just acquaintances where there are very little expectations, then things simplify greatly.

 

[LUBUS]

If the INTP and ENFJ are just acquaintances where there are very little expectations, then things simplify greatly.

Very true. I think both will be happy with this situation, more often than not.

 

[cafe]

Do you often deal with the thought that your partner may be too «lazy» or «uncaring» to deal with both routine and social affairs?

Not really anymore. When it was more of an imbalance of workload (by my perception) I did. Though not the social stuff so much. OTOH, he was probably feeling as overwhelmed as I was and we were both pretty young. I used to try to encourage him to stay in touch with his parents, etc but they are not particularly nice to me so eventually I stopped, because screw them.

Now the division of labor is more in my favor (by my perception) and I don't mind doing most of the routine stuff. Social stuff pretty much does not register at all, since I don't have much of a social life right now myself. But when I do do social stuff, I don't mind leaving him at home. If he's miserable, so am I. He tolerates getting together with my relatives a few times a year, etc. And we have date time Sharpied into our weekly routine. That's enough for me for right now.

It's funny because when we have to talk to people at stores and stuff, I usually try to intercept them because I know he does not want to talk to them and I don't mind so there is no reason he should have to deal with the irritation. Usually it's okay, but sometimes people will decide I'm henpecking him or that he makes the decisions (because he has a penis) and attempt to bypass me. That irks us both and they deserve what they get.

 

[LUBUS]

Not really anymore. When it was more of an imbalance of workload (by my perception) I did. Though not the social stuff so much. OTOH, he was probably feeling as overwhelmed as I was and we were both pretty young. I used to try to encourage him to stay in touch with his parents, etc but they are not particularly nice to me so eventually I stopped, because screw them.

Now the division of labor is more in my favor (by my perception) and I don't mind doing most of the routine stuff. Social stuff pretty much does not register at all, since I don't have much of a social life right now myself. But when I do do social stuff, I don't mind leaving him at home. If he's miserable, so am I. He tolerates getting together with my relatives a few times a year, etc. And we have date time Sharpied into our weekly routine. That's enough for me for right now.

It's funny because when we have to talk to people at stores and stuff, I usually try to intercept them because I know he does not want to talk to them and I don't mind so there is no reason he should have to deal with the irritation. Usually it's okay, but sometimes people will decide I'm henpecking him or that he makes the decisions (because he has a penis) and attempt to bypass me. That irks us both and they deserve what they get.

Hm....note to self...check out those INFJ ladies...yeah.

 

[baccheion]

Hm....note to self...check out those INFJ ladies...yeah.

Definitely. It's very common for INTPs to end up in happy (important!) relationships with INFJs, especially in their older years. This is usually after failed relationships with other types (ISFJ being the most common). Obviously you can't just assume that someone will be great for you just because they are INFJ, but with common sense applied, the odds seem to go up.

 

[cafe]

Hm....note to self...check out those INFJ ladies...yeah.

He works over fifty hours a week and I don't work outside the home, do his laundry, make his lunches, or cook very often. And I spend a lot of money on books and a moderate amount of money on clothes. But I usually taxi the kids, pay the bills, wash dishes, clean (though not very often), handle school stuff and doctor appointments, etc. He takes out the trash most of the time and we do repairs together. Except when they require power tools. He doesn't like those, so he tells me what to do but I handle the tools. And we buy groceries together. And we do the lawn together if we can't pay someone else to do it and it's about time for the city to send us a notice. So there are pros and cons. And, of course, not all INFJs are like me.

 

[cafe]

Definitely. It's very common for INTPs to end up in happy (important!) relationships with INFJs, especially in their older years. This is usually after failed relationships with other types (ISFJ being the most common). Obviously you can't just assume that someone will be great for you just because they are INFJ, but with common sense applied, the odds seem to go up.

Statistically, if I remember correctly, INFJ females are usually the least happy in their romantic relationships and the partners of male INTPs are the least happy. I don't know what that means, except that both types must kind of suck at relationships or something.

 

[LUBUS]

Statistically, if I remember correctly, INFJ females are usually the least happy in their romantic relationships and the partners of male INTPs are the least happy. I don't know what that means, except that both types must kind of suck at relationships or something.

Does it mean that INTPs tend to make INFJ ladies even unhappier?

 

[LUBUS]

Definitely. It's very common for INTPs to end up in happy (important!) relationships with INFJs, especially in their older years. This is usually after failed relationships with other types (ISFJ being the most common). Obviously you can't just assume that someone will be great for you just because they are INFJ, but with common sense applied, the odds seem to go up.

Why do you suppose / how do you know those failed relationships that usually with ISFJs?