[MBTI General] STJ's-Crying/seeing people upset

[d@v3]

I want to be sure that I am understanding this accurately. Would you mind giving an example of crying for attention and a situation worthy of compassion? I'm not trying to be difficult, but I would like to know what your perception is of both.

I react to things by first checking to see if the person provoking the action from me has acted that way before and I try to remember how I dealt with it then. If the way I dealt with it then doesn't work, but they are acting the same, then there is little I can do. Words just seem useless, and I'm not exactly the huggable type. :rolli:

If the person isn't acting like before, I just do the best I can to comfort them with words and hopefully I'll say something or come up with something that helps or at least get's their mind off what is making them cry. But I probably won't put much effort in trying to come up with BS to say because it would more than likely backfire on me as I would say something stupid or offensive.

Crying for attention= the person is whining/complaining about something that a 10 year old would cry over (i.e. getting kicked off a sports team)

Crying out of pain/hurt/grief= the person is sad or angry about something much more pertinent, such as a lost family member.

Basically what Cim said in his post sums it up.

 

[raz]

If I saw someone in public, I would feel really bad seeing someone crying. I'd start wondering what they're feeling or going through. Then, I'd likely wonder if they even want anyone to talk to them while they're feeling that horrible. I mean, there's the thought that they might NEED or want someone to come up to them, but that's kind of a risk to me. It's iffy and situational.

As for rage, it may be better for someone who is insecure. Rage allows you to achieve a false sense of focus that seems to have worth to an insecure person. However, if you're really into the situation and your Te takes over, that kind of confidence allows you to push away feeling type distractions.

As for having problems with hugs, I have that same issue. I just....don't naturally see how a situation can pan out in terms of social interaction or friendliness. Hugs to me are just weird unless you're really close to the person. It just takes an element of trust for me to want to run up to someone and hug them. My supervisor at work is constantly asking me for "love hugs." I've just learned to do it sometimes and other times just tell her, "I'm not in the mood."

It's more like there are two sides of life, feeling and thinking. I guess it ties to a lack of Fe. Like I said, thinking of Fe type things to do around a person does NOT come naturally to me at all. It's just learned things I've picked up from watching other people. I just always feel like someone's expecting me to be so emotionally open when I hug them, so that also throws me off.

 

[d@v3]

If I saw someone in public, I would feel really bad seeing someone crying. I'd start wondering what they're feeling or going through. Then, I'd likely wonder if they even want anyone to talk to them while they're feeling that horrible. I mean, there's the thought that they might NEED or want someone to come up to them, but that's kind of a risk to me. It's iffy and situational.

I know exactly what you mean, it makes you vulnerable if you go over and talk to them because you don't know how they will react. Then you think of how YOU would react if YOU were the one crying in public and some idiot came over to talk to you. Then you kind of just walk away...

Now, if it is an attractive female crying and noone else is around, I may consider it a bit longer... but that's just my ISTJ 'gentleman' side showing through. I'd really still be pretty scared doing something like that.

My supervisor at work is constantly asking me for "love hugs." I've just learned to do it sometimes and other times just tell her, "I'm not in the mood."

LOL! "love hugs" Dude Raz, that sucks! I'd be like "why.... are you trying to hug me..." ...I can't imagine being in that kind of environment for a long period of time!

 

[raz]

Now, if it is an attractive female crying and noone else is around, I may consider it a bit longer... but that's just my ISTJ 'gentleman' side showing through. I'd really still be pretty scared doing something like that.

Don't beat around the bush...heh heh heh. Just say you want in her pants!

 

[EJCC]

Come to think of it, I've seen my ISTJ grandfather cry one time in my life, that I can remember, and the ESTJ male family member twice (both instances involved someone passing away). I only remember my ESTJ sister crying once when I told her that I really cared about her more than she knows. Even in these rare instance, the crying/emotions were very controlled.

Astute. I haven't seen anyone mention that on MBTIc before, and yet it is so true. I don't cry in front of ANYONE - I get choked up, but I don't shed tears. I only full-on cry when I know for certain that no one will enter the room, or hear me.

I've also been told by my ESTJ parent that high states, like anger and weeping, make her feel helpless, like she doesn't know what to do to make it stop. A loved one is in distress, and she feels a bit frozen up by the emotional component.

That's about how it is for me.

I've noticed several STJs refer to having no sympathy for people who cry to get attention. Is this really common in your experience? I don't think I could even fill up one hand with people I have known who do that. Is there some kind of inherent suspicion about cry-ers trying to manipulate you? (I tried spelling it the other way, but that looked like town criers.) Perhaps there is a general misunderstanding of the real reason the person is crying.

Usually I'm too naive to tell whether someone who's crying is genuine or not, so, no to the second question. To the first one, yes yes yes. I might even go so far as to say that I'm disgusted with that kind of behavior.

What kind of emotional responses do you feel that you may instigate by using more direct actions? In my parents' case, my dad will just empty the garbage way more and do the dishes when they've had a misunderstanding. This feels like trying to pay for something at the gas station with a side of beef.

Interesting. I have no idea what would motivate someone to do that. I know that I clean a lot and do little things like that to calm me down when I've been upset, but using that as an indirect way of making amends is completely unheard of to me. Must just be an ISTJ thing.

If I don't really care about the person, I just want to get out of there.

If I do care about the person, it's a mix of that, and the desire to help but feeling useless because I don't know how to help.

So the more I care about the person, the more conflicted I am, and determined to do something...

YES! Same here.

 

[jazzyidahovandal]

If it is someone I know that is crying, I will try to console them. I hate seeing people upset, especially people close to me. If it is someone I don't know, I feel really awkward and I don't know how to approach the situation.

 

[NewEra]

LOL! "love hugs" Dude Raz, that sucks! I'd be like "why.... are you trying to hug me..." ...I can't imagine being in that kind of environment for a long period of time!

Yeah seriously.

 

[Fidelia]

No kidding! Why do people do that? I only want to be hugged by people I am close to.

 

[d@v3]

Don't beat around the bush...heh heh heh. Just say you want in her pants!

What kind of vile/crude man do you think I am Raz? Shame on you. I am a gentleman ISTJ, you can ask any female who has had a conversation with me on here as proof!

 

[EJCC]

No kidding! Why do people do that? I only want to be hugged by people I am close to.

I don't really get the mentality either, though. I can't imagine being an aggressive hugger. (I'd call that supervisor's behavior "serial hugging" - I know some serial huggers, and usually they've got issues. I have no idea, man, and I don't think I want to know.)
We have a difference of opinion on the last part, though; For me, as long as the hugs in question aren't from someone who's 1. icky/creepy, 2. a bad hugger (e.g. one who gives painful hugs), 3. a complete stranger, or 4. someone I hate, I'm fine.

 

[raz]

Serial huggers...lol.

 

[d@v3]

Serial hugger? ...One who gives painful hugs?

^Where the heck do YOU live?? What's a painful hug?

 

[raz]

I thought your sig said "Police your bras."

 

[Take Five]

Comforting people is not my strong suit. Others crying is very awkward for me.

 

[d@v3]

I thought your sig said "Police your bras."

And you say I'M the perverted one! :rolli:

Yeah, you're the second person who has told me that. I've been meaning to change it.

 

[d@v3]

Comforting people is not my strong suit. Others crying is very awkward for me.

Precisely.

 

[Lexicon]

If I cried in front of my ISTJ ex.. he calmly asked who he needed to kill.

 

[d@v3]

If I cried in front of my ISTJ ex.. he calmly asked who he needed to kill.

That is what I usually ask! Does it actually make you feel better when we ask that or is it just kind of an eye-roll response? Because you KNOW we are men of our word, and if you give us a name and explain why you are crying, then we will confront the person. At least, that is what I have done. In my experience, it usually results in the perpetrator apologizing or (much less frequently) a violent altercation.

 

[Lexicon]

That is what I usually ask! Does it actually make you feel better when we ask that or is it just kind of an eye-roll response? Because you KNOW we are men of our word, and if you give us a name and explain why you are crying, then we will confront the person. At least, that is what I have done. In my experience, it usually results in the perpetrator apologizing or (much less frequently) a violent altercation.

Well, it made me laugh and roll my eyes more often than not, which, made me feel better in the moment, y'know, at least cheer up/calm down so I could deal with the problem. I'm fairly certain he would've follwed through on the killing if I handed out names, but it was usually unneccessary.

 

[Fidelia]

Yeah d@v3, I think it does make us feel better because it says that you are on our side. Mostly that's all we need. It can still be in a form that you are more comfortable with, but I like to know that the people close to me sympathize with me in some way. Then I'll get on with solving what's wrong.