[INTJ] What makes INTJ's feel loved/appreciated?

[Jack_Rabid]

Stolen from the SP thread...

Not the same as how to seduce! (I thought I'd clarify, since there's already a thread like that) You guys are so hard to read sometimes, it's tough to know when you're feeling good in a relationship. I'm genuinely curious and all ears. opcorn:

Hi.. for me.. I feel appreciated when My partner shows their appreciation.. I know that sounds simplistic.. But deep down we are not so complicated..

If i have done something you appreciate .. SHOW IT!!!.. reaffirm it ... OR do something in return you know I appreciate .. The worst thing for me.. is to feel undervalued.. or that effort I put in is just taken for granted..

And stop looking at our face for emotion.. listen instead to our voice.. if it goes deep but soft.. If I have trouble suddenly meeting your gaze.. If I suddenly seem very interested in that little dust bunny in the corner.. I am in a right emotional place.. And would be putty in your hands if you saw and understood that..

Emotion comes very easy and very deep for INTJs.. But expressing it requires effort..and that is the full circle.. appreciate the effort.. and more emotion will come

 

[Jae Rae]

I wish I knew...

I have an INTJ friend who's a gardener who also collects tools. Two years ago I went to a nursery and consulted a salesperson about a useful gardening tool for her birthday. I sent some small clippers to my friend who liked them.

Last year I went to the same nursery and asked for a follow-up gift and explained what I'd given before. The clerk recommended a leather holster for the clippers. I sent it off, but heard nothing.

Eventually I asked if she'd gotten the holster. She told me she had unwrapped it and wondered what she was going to do with such a thing (yes, she actually spelled it out just like that). Then she said her husband had started using the holster, at which point she realized it was a useful gift and she asked for it back. She told me he was so taken with it in fact, he coveted one for himself.

Before that experience I would have said "take the time to find out the INTJ's hobby and ask an expert what would be useful" (I see NTJs as lovers of tools). But now I haven't a clue.

 

[Usehername]

I wish I knew...

I have an INTJ friend who's a gardener who also collects tools. Two years ago I went to a nursery and consulted a salesperson about a useful gardening tool for her birthday. I sent some small clippers to my friend who liked them.

Last year I went to the same nursery and asked for a follow-up gift and explained what I'd given before. The clerk recommended a leather holster for the clippers. I sent it off, but heard nothing.

Eventually I asked if she'd gotten the holster. She told me she had unwrapped it and wondered what she was going to do with such a thing (yes, she actually spelled it out just like that). Then she said her husband had started using the holster, at which point she realized it was a useful gift and she asked for it back. She told me he was so taken with it in fact, he coveted one for himself.

Before that experience I would have said "take the time to find out the INTJ's hobby and ask an expert what would be useful" (I see NTJs as lovers of tools). But now I haven't a clue.

You have it right. The thoughtfulness behind your gift would be enough to make me . This is a specific instance of not being a very good friend on her part, perhaps being a little self-involved and thoughtless. (Though I'm sure she has good qualities too.)

 

[MonkeyGrass]

Hi.. for me.. I feel appreciated when My partner shows their appreciation.. I know that sounds simplistic.. But deep down we are not so complicated..

If i have done something you appreciate .. SHOW IT!!!.. reaffirm it ... OR do something in return you know I appreciate .. The worst thing for me.. is to feel undervalued.. or that effort I put in is just taken for granted..

And stop looking at our face for emotion.. listen instead to our voice.. if it goes deep but soft.. If I have trouble suddenly meeting your gaze.. If I suddenly seem very interested in that little dust bunny in the corner.. I am in a right emotional place.. And would be putty in your hands if you saw and understood that..

Emotion comes very easy and very deep for INTJs.. But expressing it requires effort..and that is the full circle.. appreciate the effort.. and more emotion will come

Jack, thanks for sharing something so personal. How, oh how, I wish I could fully get that. I spend a lot of my time feeling neglected and boring, because I get little or no facial/emotional feedback. I tend to assume that he thinks I'm the most asinine individual he's ever conversed with, and he's totally shocked when I give up and walk out of the room. **sigh** That's a really, really tricky aspect of INTJs that I have a hard time understanding. Everything on the outside is screaming "I could care less for you. Go away." I have trouble translating that to, "I'm interested, tell me more."

 

[ceecee]

Hi.. for me.. I feel appreciated when My partner shows their appreciation.. I know that sounds simplistic.. But deep down we are not so complicated..

If i have done something you appreciate .. SHOW IT!!!.. reaffirm it ... OR do something in return you know I appreciate .. The worst thing for me.. is to feel undervalued.. or that effort I put in is just taken for granted..

And stop looking at our face for emotion.. listen instead to our voice.. if it goes deep but soft.. If I have trouble suddenly meeting your gaze.. If I suddenly seem very interested in that little dust bunny in the corner.. I am in a right emotional place.. And would be putty in your hands if you saw and understood that..

Emotion comes very easy and very deep for INTJs.. But expressing it requires effort..and that is the full circle.. appreciate the effort.. and more emotion will come

And don't look at me weird if I need to write down how I feel. Sometimes it works better than attempting to speak and having it come out wrong. I don't need to do this often anymore but it's always an option.

 

[A Schnitzel]

4) Making me mac n' cheese.

Does Easy Mac count? Or do you need the full dealio?

 

[poppy]

Does Easy Mac count? Or do you need the full dealio?

Easy mac for sure (aka "Make your way into this INTJ's heart in approximately 9 minutes").

 

[A Schnitzel]

Easy mac for sure (aka "Make your way into this INTJ's heart in approximately 9 minutes").

You're my kind of woman.

 

[Amargith]

I've also found INTJs, once they trust you at least, to be incredibly physically affectionate (hugs, cuddles, etc), to the point where they *need* it when they feel down. That and one on one time, seems to be key

 

[ed111]

I've also found INTJs, once they trust you at least, to be incredibly physically affectionate (hugs, cuddles, etc), to the point where they *need* it when they feel down. That and one on one time, seems to be key

This is very true. I give my girlfriend a hug at least 20 times a day. However, this is only for people close to me (mom, sister, girlfriend). I admit I am a hug junkie ... need ... a ... fix ... I'm going now to score a hug.

 

[Uytuun]

Just think of me and know me well enough to do something small but meaningful.

*nods*

 

[SecantSquared]

Yes, this is awesome in a very subtle way. Catching onto our vaguely mentioned passions=

Dude, i thought i was the only one! kickass, man

Well, I like talking about myself

EDIT: on the internet

yeah, i far prefer talking about myself on the internet. actually, i despise talking about myself irl...it's just...uncomfortable. In some ways, it feels as though the less people know about me, the better.

1) Listen to our ideas. I mean really listen. And let us know by offering input every now and again. Something besides "uh huh."

2) Plan something outside of the house, like a trip to the park or whatever. Make it just you and your INTJ. We bond the best in a one-on-one environment, not with fifty other people that we need to pay attention to. Take us on a date that will stimulate our intellect (museum, aquarium, etc...) and we'll love you forever.

4) Have lots of self control and refrain from emotional outbursts.

6) Don't put us beneath you or belittle us. Treat us as capable individuals. We hate feeling inadequate. It might be so tempting to help, but more often than not we'll just assume that you think we're incompetent. We'll ask for help when we need it.

#1 heh, i do enough 'uh huh'-ing for everybody.
#2 *shrug* the one-on-one is definitely important, but, on the other hand, a trip to the park, personally, wouldn't do much for me. nothing interesting there.
#4 emotion isn't bad, but drama and bullshit emotion is bad. self control is good, to a point, of course.
#6 that's a sure way to isolate yourself from me.

I just love those INTJs sooo cute but oftentimes it's hard to make them feel special... they seem to be somewhat cynical about my affections... really bizzare... They are also quite good at putting up barriers in my experience; in some ways the miscommunication can be fun esp when you both know that underneath it all you're on the same page.. In my experience they really appreciate you taking their ideas and advice on board... The ones I have had dealings with like to help me and like me to accept that help.

Barriers=INTJ lifeforce. oh, and being cynical doesn't just apply to affection. i'm (and i would assume other INTJs) are cynical about everything.

Emotion comes very easy and very deep for INTJs.. But expressing it requires effort..and that is the full circle.. appreciate the effort.. and more emotion will come

Agreed. completely. emotion isn't hard, SHOWING it is like...i dunno, it takes so much energy, , also, it makes me vulnerable, and that usually is something I avoid.

And don't look at me weird if I need to write down how I feel. Sometimes it works better than attempting to speak and having it come out wrong. I don't need to do this often anymore but it's always an option.

mhmm, i'm much more open in text than i am in person. even on the phone. having someone there to respond immediately, and having to listen to the changes in pitch, or facial expressions makes me nervous, and anxious.

I've also found INTJs, once they trust you at least, to be incredibly physically affectionate (hugs, cuddles, etc), to the point where they *need* it when they feel down. That and one on one time, seems to be key

heehee I would guess that describes me pretty well.

Sorry for the long post, I had to respond to so many things after reading the topic from the beginning.

 

[Amargith]

NTJs have this lovely gooey center inside. It's awesome when they can't keep from going gooey on ya

 

[EffEmDoubleyou]

NTJs have this lovely gooey center inside. It's awesome when they can't keep from going gooey on ya

It's true. If we get the gooey all over you, you are in so much trouble

 

[Amargith]

It's true. If we get the gooey all over you, you are in so much trouble

*waits patiently for you to put your money where your mouth is*

 

[Splittet]

I think I feel most loved when I feel people really listen to what I say, are interested and understand. The ones that has the patience to do so really love me for me, because I am my thoughts and intellectual interests.

 

[poppy]

It's true. If we get the gooey all over you, you are in so much trouble

Yep, cause the gooey is actually alien blood.

We really are fluffy bunnies inside though

 

[Haight]

Several off topic posts have been moved to the following location:

http://www.typologycentral.com/forums/bonfire/19988-awkward-flirt-derailment.html

 

[violet_crown]

NTJs have this lovely gooey center inside. It's awesome when they can't keep from going gooey on ya

Bullshit. I, myself am a bastard fried bastard with prick center inside, dirtbag sprinkles and an arrogant summbitch dipping sauce.....

Except when it comes to INFPs theyre like freaking kryptonite to me, but thats besides the point

 

[Amargith]

Bullshit. I, myself am a bastard fried bastard with prick center inside, dirtbag sprinkles and an arrogant summbitch dipping sauce.....

Except when it comes to INFPs theyre like freaking kryptonite to me, but thats besides the point

Ahh don't worry, NFPs are usually as entranced by you ppl as you are by us