[ISTJ] ISTJ's ... Egoistic?

[OregonENFP]

I am in a relationship with an ISTJ. I'm not sure how I would consider it's going. We seem to be getting into more arguments lately and he is NEVER wrong, even if he is totally inconsiderate, rude or offensive. I'm starting to wonder if all ISTJ's are just very egoistic?

Please help!!!
Thank you.

 

[Lady_X]

It's not an easy relationship. It just isn't. Be prepared for constant work. Constant communication and constant compromise. And do not let him have his way and try to control you. Good luck.

 

[Cimarron]

No, not usually--but it may be a little more apparent in arguments, as you said.

If it's something I've thought a lot about for a long time, there could be really strong resistance to changing my mind. As if to say, "I doubt you've given this as much thought as I have. And all that work I put into figuring it out, that was for nothing?"

 

[Giggly]

I am in a relationship with an ISTJ. I'm not sure how I would consider it's going. We seem to be getting into more arguments lately and he is NEVER wrong, even if he is totally inconsiderate, rude or offensive. I'm starting to wonder if all ISTJ's are just very egoistic?

Please help!!!
Thank you.

Why do you think you're getting into more arguments as time goes on but not as much before? What has changed?

 

[d@v3]

No, not usually--but it may be a little more apparent in arguments, as you said.

I agree with this. But I also agree with Erin, don't let them "control" you if they try to.

 

[Giggly]

But I also agree with Erin, don't let them "control" you if they try to.

I'm curious why you would say this. Would that be a bad thing to the ISTJ if she did let him control her? And if that is a bad thing, then why would the ISTJ even try to do it in the first place?

 

[OregonENFP]

He does VERY MUCH like to be in control. More than any human being I know. Even to the point where he tries to get me to stop wearing make up and so fourth. I know this is an ISTJ trait but I didn't realize how much it would be like this. We've been friends for 8 yrs or more at this point.

I'm an ENFP/INFP depending. (More E).

The pull of him on me is very strong. His personality seems to dominate me. I almost feel like I've been put under a spell....

 

[OregonENFP]

Much easier said than done!!

I agree with this. But I also agree with Erin, don't let them "control" you if they try to.

Much easier said than done!!

 

[d@v3]

I'm curious why you would say this. Would that be a bad thing to the ISTJ if she did let him control her? And if that is a bad thing, then why would the ISTJ even try to do it in the first place?

I don't think they TRY to do it. I think it just kind of... happens. They do it without even knowing it. I don't even know if "control" is a good word for this. Personally, I've never "controlled" anyone before, but I do know xSTJ's that have and it's mostly the annoying or "unhealthy" ones [not to worry Oregon, I'm sure he just doesn't realize what he's doing], I think. In my opinion the ESTJ's are especially good at controlling people, but a few ISTJ's can do it too I guess.

But letting them continue to do it just lets them think "oh, well, everything is ok s/he doesn't seem to mind." When in reality, the other person is really annoyed/hurting emotionally.

If I EVER was in a situation where I was "controlling" someone, I would want to know immediately, so I could stop. The LAST thing I would want to do is control somone, I can barely control myself!

Bottom line: YOU MUST COMMUNICATE IN BLUNT TERMS WITH YOUR ISTJ WHAT YOUR EMOTIONS ARE! If you do this, it will solve and prevent lots of problems! ESPECIALLY if your an ENFP!

 

[d@v3]

Much easier said than done!!

Well, as long as you can be blunt about your own feelings (when necessary), it really shouldn't be that hard! It's all about communication lass!

 

[BlackCat]

Well, as long as you can be blunt about your own feelings (when necessary), it really shouldn't be that hard! It's all about communication lass!

But... but... people are supposed to just KNOW our feelings you know! Come on Dave!

 

[d@v3]

But... but... people are supposed to just KNOW our feelings you know! Come on Dave!

LOL! I know... I forgot you xNFP's just expect us to have an innate all-knowing F.

 

[BlackCat]

LOL! I know... I forgot you xNFP's just expect us to have an innate all-knowing F.

I don't expect you to have an all knowing F. This is why I tell people how I feel. And why everyone else should too. It prevents mass confusion and conflict, so why not? When you're in a relationship you're going to be vulnerable anyway, so why be afraid of expressing your feelings?

Oh boy, derailed.

 

[Lady_X]

He does VERY MUCH like to be in control. More than any human being I know. Even to the point where he tries to get me to stop wearing make up and so fourth. I know this is an ISTJ trait but I didn't realize how much it would be like this. We've been friends for 8 yrs or more at this point.

I'm an ENFP/INFP depending. (More E).

The pull of him on me is very strong. His personality seems to dominate me. I almost feel like I've been put under a spell....

that's the problem...it's a constant power struggle. he wants to lead. he thinks he knows best. you want to be left alone to do things your way so your constantly bumping heads...and it never ends....ahhhh!

 

[FemMecha]

The particular ISTJ described could well be egoistic. In the larger context of all ISTJs or any particular type, MBTI seems to not account for egocentricity. A person who bases their world view on self can reinterpret any MBTI category. Take any category and compare two individuals with the same type, one who is ego-centric, and the other who isn't and you have two profoundly different ways of perceiving, processing, and acting upon the world. It is a significant aspect of human nature that is not accounted for in MBTI categories from what I can tell. It might be that if you take two egoistic ISTJs, you will find more similarities than a egoistic person from two different types.

My point is that it is more accurate to explore how egocentricity manifests itself in the ISTJ type, and not whether all ISTJs are egoistic by their nature.

 

[Lady_X]

The particular ISTJ described could well be egoistic. In the larger context of all ISTJs or any particular type, MBTI seems to not account for egocentricity. A person who bases their world view on self can reinterpret any MBTI category. Take any category and compare two individuals with the same type, one who is ego-centric, and the other who isn't and you have two profoundly different ways of perceiving, processing, and acting upon the world. It is a significant aspect of human nature that is not accounted for in MBTI categories from what I can tell. It might be that if you take two egoistic ISTJs, you will find more similarities than a egoistic person from two different types.

My point is that it is more accurate to explore how egocentricity manifests itself in the ISTJ type, and not whether all ISTJs are egoistic by their nature.

excellent point...the one i know is but i wouldn't claim to know if others are...or i certainly don't mean to sound like i am.

but...lots of people of different types have disproportionate egos and it manifests differently.

 

[raz]

I don't expect you to have an all knowing F. This is why I tell people how I feel. And why everyone else should too. It prevents mass confusion and conflict, so why not? When you're in a relationship you're going to be vulnerable anyway, so why be afraid of expressing your feelings?

Oh boy, derailed.

We've analyzed all of the facts...

And a relationship is just......not worth it.

 

[Bubbles]

I don't know if they're so much as egotistic as they are bad at interpreting people's feelings. I had one close ISTJ friend--but we fell apart due to misinterpretation. I'm similar to the OP in that I tried to be the passive one, afraid to invoke some sort of anger in the ISTJ. This is where I messed up.

If you don't let someone know you're upset about the comment they made on your religion, or that pet peeve of yours they constantly do, or that their rants drive you insane, then, by all means, they'll keep doing it. And when one day you just snap, they'll be stunned. It's not that he wants to be egotistic--it's just that he doesn't know how you feel.

The dominant spell thing is an illusion. He wants to know what makes you tick, believe it or not. You just have to say something! ISTJs, for all their awesomeness, are not mind-readers.

 

[Shadow]

He does VERY MUCH like to be in control. More than any human being I know. Even to the point where he tries to get me to stop wearing make up and so fourth. I know this is an ISTJ trait but I didn't realize how much it would be like this. We've been friends for 8 yrs or more at this point.

I'm an ENFP/INFP depending. (More E).

The pull of him on me is very strong. His personality seems to dominate me. I almost feel like I've been put under a spell....

That is tooo controlling. It's one thing if he lets you know you don't need make-up because you look pretty without it, better even, it's another thing if he tells you not to wear it.
As has been suggested, it's probably an egotistical thing rather than a type issue.

 

[OregonENFP]

Why do you think you're getting into more arguments as time goes on but not as much before? What has changed?

Good question. I guess more serious issues have come up lately. Like making a real commitment and there are some serious 'issues' we've been discussing.