[INFJ] How does an INFJ show interest in someone?

[mrcockburn]

My most recent ex was INFJ, as am I.

I show interest by teasing and joking around. I can be downright zany and clownish. Also by standing up for them. My ex was always pushed around, and I didn't tolerate it in my presence.

The other INFJ, the ex, was opposite. He got really serious and said weird things like "Thank you for existing/being in my life", "I want to hug your parents for creating you", etc etc. He basically constantly doted gifts that I never even meant to hint on.

Also by being vulnerable - seeking me out for protection, etc.

 

[Lily flower]

I'm a female, but I have a male INFJ friend, so I might be able to answer for him, too.

TO INFJs (preferably males, but females can answer as well):

1. How would you try to catch the eye of another person?

Get involved in a mutually interesting conversation. I approached my (now) husband for the first time by asking about a Christian fellowship meeting he had mentioned from up on stage at church. It turned into an hour long conversation.

2. Would you ever ask somebody out before they had demonstrated distinct interest in you?

Not if they had shown no interest at all, but if they had shown interest then I would. I would probably ask them to do something that was like a date, but not actually a date. My male friend, INFJ, said he never would have gotten up the courage to ask his wife out. She asked him.

3. Once you have made contact, do you try to define the dating relationship? Or do you go with the flow?

I have always moved fairly quickly into the monogamous relationship, once I know there is mutual interest.


4. On a first date, how do you usually act?

I never really went on "dates." I met most of my boyfriends in school and we always had opportunities to "hang out" around other people. So I knew them all really well before it turned romantic.

5. How would you like to be approached/asked out by an interested person?

Direct - no messing around.

6. How long does it take for you to decide to date exclusively?

Quickly

7. What do you do that you consider a "dead give-away" that you like somebody?

Contact them way too often. INFJ's have a tendency to be sort of like a stalker to someone they like. Touch is another thing - I may hug casual friends, but if I were touching you a lot for no reason, that would be a big clue.

8. How often do you take the initiative/make the first move/ask someone out?

Like I said, I never formally "dated" early in the relationship, so it would go from "hanging out" to just walking around campus alone together or hanging out in our dorm room.

9. What would be your ideal date (activity)?

Hiking in the woods, or anything that allows a lot of talking time.

10. How should one go about pursuing you?

Directly, no confusing signals. Just let me know where you are coming from.


If this guy already asked you out to supper on Friday night, I would say he is definitely interested in you. If he is like most INFJ's, he is now feeling majorly insecure, and a big sign from you or an invitation would really help.

 

[Lily flower]

What you just wrote - I would take this as a 95% that this guy is totally not only in like with you, but in love with you!!

 

[Lily flower]

Hm the "avoiding" bit has me intrigued, because at times I've felt like this was true (which is why I've been so confused when looking back on all our encounters as a whole). For example: Late in the spring semester, we had gotten into a routine of having lunch together about twice a week (after class). He's the one who initiated it and began walking with me somewhere to eat then eating together, instead of riding his bike back to his room like he usually did. However all of sudden for a week or two he just stopped and started riding his bike back to his room like normal. At this point I wasn't romantically interested in him yet, but it still really confused me. I figured that maybe he just didn't like me anymore or was busy. But it was still strange -- the avoidance. After about two weeks he started having lunch with me again, invited me to a lecture/discussion with him (he's into political science), and everything was "normal" again.

Currently, he's still kind of hard to interpret (like I hinted at in the opening post). He'll seem very interested in spending time with me and happy/attentive/talkative when he's actually around me, one day. Then the next week, he'll fail to text or call me at all*. He did finally message me after a week and said that he's been busy (then he asked how I was/what I was up to, etc.), and I completely believe him (because he's mentioned his schedule before and he said we could do something again next weekend), but still...it makes me wonder if he's actually interested in me at all or maybe if he's "on the fence".

*Although I should probably note, in his defense, that he seems to be horrible with contacting people via text/phone. Shortly after he had texted me back, he updated his Facebook status to say "[his name] needs to learn how to call people" And about 5 of his friends (both male and female) replied: "Just pick up the phone, it's not that hard", "You need to learn how to text people too", etc.

INFJs can be very confusing - subtle signals, attentiveness, avoidance, attentiveness again, etc.

I'm glad I have you all to help me though!

New Question: Are INFJs very indecisive/fickle when it comes to deciding on who they like? Or do they pretty much "know" and stick with that (barring any major complications/events/etc that would change their mind)?

For me (ISTJ): I may be indecisive (weighing all options and leaning towards a different option each day) leading up to a decision, but once I actually make a decision I'm committed to it fully. It may have taken me 5 months or so to reach the conclusion that I am actually interested in him (romantically) but now that I've come to that conclusion, I definitely will not be debating it anymore in my mind. Now I've moved on to the next step/decision: Determining if he's also interested in me and taking any necessary steps.

You asked if INFJ's are indecisive about who they like. I would say absolutely not! INFJ's are the opposite - we are very aware of who we like or don't like. And if we like someone, then it is a really strong emotion. But we are fickle in the sense that we get insecure about relationships and will ignore someone if we feel like we might get rejected by them.

 

[violet_crown]

They're incredibly sweet. It's like you get an invitation into their world. You feel like they've created a space for just the two of you. They talk to you about interesting things at length. And then general guy stuff like showing you off to their friends, and wanting to hang out a lot.

I noticed one thing that is particularly INFJ, which is they tend to actively cultivate the talents of those closest to them. They see neat things about you and go out of their way to help you explore and develop that talent in a practical way. The flip side is that they feel free to be Bossy the Cow with you once they feel comfortable.

 

[mrcockburn]

The flip side is that they feel free to be Bossy the Cow with you once they feel comfortable.

oh pfffft! Says an ENTJ!

 

[violet_crown]

oh pfffft! Says an ENTJ!

Precisely, which is why I was all the more taken a back by some cheeky male giving me sass about my lifestyle.

 

[Reverie]

You asked if INFJ's are indecisive about who they like. I would say absolutely not! INFJ's are the opposite - we are very aware of who we like or don't like. And if we like someone, then it is a really strong emotion. But we are fickle in the sense that we get insecure about relationships and will ignore someone if we feel like we might get rejected by them.

I always know who I like. When I was younger I've also dated guys I haven't liked that strongly because I've been lonely and bored but they fizzle real fast. The few I've had meaningful relationships with I have instantly liked very strongly and In two occasions moved in with within 2 weeks and the last one was my husband (who is an enfp) which was mutual love at first sight, instant "Oh we're getting married" and so we did as fast as we could to the sheer horror of everyone and It's been what I thought it would be.
As for how I attract guys is I turn my radar on them and they come. ;D That's the only way I can describe it.

 

[Lily flower]

I always know who I like. When I was younger I've also dated guys I haven't liked that strongly because I've been lonely and bored but they fizzle real fast. The few I've had meaningful relationships with I have instantly liked very strongly and In two occasions moved in with within 2 weeks and the last one was my husband (who is an enfp) which was mutual love at first sight, instant "Oh we're getting married" and so we did as fast as we could to the sheer horror of everyone and It's been what I thought it would be.
As for how I attract guys is I turn my radar on them and they come. ;D That's the only way I can describe it.

Ah yes, the INFJ radar. What a great thing to have. It has a kind of wide radius for me, in that it catches people it's not supposed to, but other than that it's great.

 

[Reverie]

Ah yes, the INFJ radar. What a great thing to have. It has a kind of wide radius for me, in that it catches people it's not supposed to, but other than that it's great.

That's when you quickly employ the INFJ invisibility cloaking device!

 

[lane777]

Contact them way too often. INFJ's have a tendency to be sort of like a stalker to someone they like.

lol!

I've been thinking about this thread for a few days now, trying to imagine how I would show interest (seeing how I've never been seriously interested in someone so I can only speculate). If I were crushing hard on someone, I can totally see myself obsessing over them and contacting them far too much - provided that I know they're interested in me first Verbalizing my interest probably wouldn't happen at any stage of the relationship, unless forced

 

[Crescent Fresh]

You asked if INFJ's are indecisive about who they like. I would say absolutely not! INFJ's are the opposite - we are very aware of who we like or don't like. And if we like someone, then it is a really strong emotion. But we are fickle in the sense that we get insecure about relationships and will ignore someone if we feel like we might get rejected by them.

Absoutely!

I think INFJ seem to be difficult to live and judge others in the gray area. It's either we perfectly know we really dig you, or the opposite. Along with the Fe, even if we didn't say outwardly that we really appreciate your existence and that we genuinely like you (due to introversion), the Fe will at least somehow drops hints or show in other subtle way to make sure that you'll get noticed that we do consider you as someone special.

The biggest problem is as Lily flower mentioned that we do have a strong fear of rejection. This is something I'm still trying to work on myself.

 

[CommanderZero]

I just spent half an hour deeply involved in this growing romance, and there was no ending! And I can't access the blog. Autumn or anyone, how did it all go? I hope whatever happened, it was for the best.

 

[atlascatcher]

I should preface this by saying I'm not sure how much this is type related necessarily but I'll answer them just the same so I can have an E4 moment and make it about me...and since this thread was already necro'd.

1. How would you try to catch the eye of another person?
If I was truly interested in someone in physical reality I'd probably try to always look my best if I knew I was going to be around them, or what I perceived to be my best. I'd also probably try to find a way to engage with them and talk to them about their interests to see how much we would seemingly have in common and how we click in day to day conversation.
2. Would you ever ask somebody out before they had demonstrated distinct interest in you?
Maybe...but it'd be a really extreme occasion. I more or less like to be the one pursued generally even if they had demonstrated interest. If there was someone I truly felt I could develop feelings for but didn't know them very well I might say fuck it and go for it...The worst you can get is a no.
3. Once you have made contact, do you try to define the dating relationship? Or do you go with the flow?
Other than ensuring it's mutually exclusive I really just want to go with the flow. I'd prefer if the other person had some ideal of how things should go because I'm not always certain of what I want other than to be involved with the person romantically.
4. On a first date, how do you usually act?
Awkward and self-conscious but trying not to show it mixed with asking the person all sorts of odd things about themselves to get an idea of what they're about.
5. How would you like to be approached/asked out by an interested person?
Just flat out ask me. I had someone once "pursue" me by calling me every day for friendly conversation and it was the most absurd thing.
6. How long does it take for you to decide to date exclusively?
More or less I don't generally date people who are interested in something casual to start with. I'm all for taking things slowly but I want that person to be committed to me while we're figuring things out. I don't want to be dating them casually while they're going on dates with others. That is just odd to me. By the third date we should be exclusive until it's figured out whether or not we want a relationship otherwise they can hit the road.
7. What do you do that you consider a "dead give-away" that you like somebody?
Tell the person how I feel? I'm not really into playing weird flirting games I'd probably ask the person to hang out a couple times casually tell them how I feel and if they were interested in going on a date then great.
8. How often do you take the initiative/make the first move/ask someone out?
Almost never it's probably something I should work on. I rarely experience strong attraction from the beginning so it's hard for me to project whether or not it's even worth it to go on a date with someone (that may sound strange). Recently I've been doing more online dating because of lack of time with school and that's a whole other ball game. I met my current love interest online and they pursued me.
9. What would be your ideal date (activity)?
Hiking through the woods or doing something out in nature. Anywhere that's quiet that we can share some sort of teamwork while maintaining conversation.
10. How should one go about pursuing you?
Just ask me out. If I think there's potential for something more I'll say yes if I don't I'll say no.
11. Are INFJs very indecisive/fickle when it comes to deciding on who they like? Or do they pretty much "know" and stick with that (barring any major complications/events/etc that would change their mind)?
I more or less know if I want to get to know someone further but I usually don't know how I feel about someone the more I get to know them. Until I'm around someone day in and day out for a while it's kind of a big grey area.

 

[Zobster]

So here's the update! It is, however, epically long...so I'll just link to my blog (you'll need to scroll down to "Romantic Developments")

Advice and insight is needed (as usual ) and appreciated!

What was the outcome here? I'm curious

 

[AutumnReverie]

Unfortunately the ending was not as exciting as all the build up. I decided to move out of state...but I did spend my last night there with him and his friends. We all had a very fun night and I gave him a mixed CD of songs that reminded me of him and some songs that I knew he would enjoy. Also, I gave him a card (as I did with all my few closest friend) saying that he was "The Best [insert all the unique fun facts I know and like about him] Friend that I have. And I will miss you."

The end.

 

[infinityJ]

i've hit the wall when i met another INFJ male recently.

I thought that i'm pretty intuitive and could read people quite decently, but this guy is by far the only guy who makes me crazy whom i could sense very little from, or at least mixed signals.

We were talking on a dating app for a week or two and he liked that I was very direct by asking for his number. In texts, he was really trying to be all good and nice and everything but sometimes he doesn't ask me much questions, usually i'm the one asking more questions than him.

However, i was dropping hints that we could probably hang out later on a Saturday night, and he said that he had some things to pack and a short meal or something would be fine. I told him to let me know once he's done with his things. After a while he told me hes done with his stuff but we digressed a bit and stopped talking. An hour later he texted me asking what was I doing but i took it as a hint that he was wondering why haven't I asked him out. So I did although i'd be happier if he'd asked me out first. And I could see his little excitement as he was more involved in the planning than I do, though he asked for somewhere more affordable (he is a self-employed musician and travels a lot so he explained his financial status). He didn't offered to pay for my share of the meal. I thought it was understandable but I was a little taken aback.

However, the whole interaction wasn't awkward as I imagined. He was pretty normal, asking questions, exploring a wide variety of topics. His body language told me that he wanted a hug when we were leaving but we were too far apart at the train station as I didn't expect him to ask for it. In texts, he is back to being cold in a way, only responding to questions but never ask much, though he always reply within half an hour or so.

In general, what I sensed is him trying to maintain what he portrays on the surface (being chivalrous and nice) and at the same time very strongly hiding his true self. I couldn't tell who he really is and if he is actually interested in me or just trying to be nice. Could it be his self-esteem as well, as he tends to humble himself and disclaim that he's actually not that fit or cute or whatever and that I would be disappointed when I meet him and stuff like that. I mean, him seemingly not interested (by not asking much questions) but when I met him he seemed totally fine and that he didn't know that he was different in texts and irl. :/

He's now away in the army for a few days so can't really talk to him. If he doesnt text me subsequently, should I be texting him, or just wait for him to text me and ask me out? I didn't wanna ask him out again or text him that much as I feel a little withdrawn after that day. I dont want to be seen as clingy or desperate.

Sorry, I'm not the kind who expresses well, so I'm just asking for advices on what you think this INFJ might be up to.

 

[Nico_D]

Sorry, I'm not the kind who expresses well, so I'm just asking for advices on what you think this INFJ might be up to.

Hard to say without actually seeing it unfold but the feeling I get from reading your text (and I could be wrong) is that he's not that much into it is trying not to disappoint you instead. He may be careful not to hurt your feelings. Your reading of him wanting to hug may also be that he thinks you want a hug and is thinking about being polite and so on; your enthusiasm MAY be coloring your reading here.

But it also could be something completely different like low self-esteem.

Good luck.

 

[Upnextup]

Honestly? I don't. Even when I'm craving interest in someone, I act regular. In that way, I'm hella shy.
On the other hand though, I may go up and try and talk to you, but in a strictly friendly way.

 

[Norrsken]

I was never the whirlwind type of romantic where I am overtly obvious in my affections or actions that I wanted to be with someone. I was always subtle, but that did not meant that I wasn't hiding a smoldering passion for that person underneath. I go about things a little slower and cautiously than the average person, always a little on the shy side, but I did not mind being flirty even if it was done in a mild manner. I like to get to know that person through and through, asking them millions of questions so that they can reveal their souls to me on an ongoing basis. For this, I didn't have a lot of boyfriends back then because female classmates were much more open and moved quicker than I ever could. I love daydreaming about the person I love the most and fantasize about them. I like playing with "what if" and "what could be" between us inside my mind, and sometimes I'd take these small actions so as to start the series of events that could potentially bring us together in the long term. And if I'm unusually touchy and paying you compliments that go beyond what's platonic, then, I probably like you a lot, since it's very hard for me to throw those out at just anybody, especially face to face.